SEELE: Privy of Souls
by Zenith Fleet
Summary: Yes, it's what absolutely no-one wanted but are now forced to read! A parody-fic about SEELE! A little sex, a little violence, a LOT of idiocy... Now with extra spicy Rei-ness for your delectability! Mmmm... Rei...
1. The Madness Begins Now!

SEELE: PRIVY OF SOULS 

A Neon Genesis Evangelion Original Fanfiction

Version 1.0001 (Very Slightly Updated In Ways You Probably Won't Care About)

(Written by Zenithfleet. All credit for the central characters goes to Gainax and Project EVA.)

We wish to advise readers that the following fanfic is rated VIO, for Village Idiots Only. It contains language, nouns, verbs, adjectives and a smattering of prepositions. Magi Casper recommends reading by immature audiences.

Dedicated to Terry Pratchett. May Great A'Tuin always continue to look forward to something. Anyone who has read any of his works should have no difficulty in guessing the true identities of SEELE 09 and 11, and over these two I claim no original ownership whatsoever (although I would like to).

Notes: This fanfic takes place just after the destruction of the 16th Angel (along with a sizeable portion of Tokyo-3). If you have not viewed the series up to and beyond this point, be warned: this does contain spoilers (if you can manage to spot them amongst the various absurdities and bad jokes). However, this fanfic does not exactly stick to the official plotline, so don't get too concerned.

It should be mentioned that I absolutely love this series to death (and rebirth). I also think Chairman Keel is one of the coolest characters, despite having about two different frames of animation over the entire series. Of the other characters, well... go Rei! Rei is the best! Rei rules!... sorry.

Anyway, I'll shut up and let you get on with reading. Assuming this ever gets published on the Net, any comments, suggestions, insults, hate mail or death threats can be sent to whatever email address you like, since I'm not telling you mine. Bwa ha ha!

Grrr, this ASCII text format is driving me up the proverbial Magi casing wall. I want italics! I want bold text! Aww, dammit, I want Times New Roman font!

Okay, enough chitchat, on with the parody! Let the mayhem begin!

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Prologue

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Lorenzo Keel, Chairman of the Tokyo-2 Committee, Member 01 of the secret organization Seele, Instigator of the Second Impact Cover-Up, Purveyor of the Dead Sea Scrolls, Supervisor of the Human Instrumentality Project, Ancient One, Keeper of Divine Knowledge, Lord of All He Surveys, Secret Emperor of Japan, Exalted Majesty of Humanity, King of Kings, Great...

Ahem, better start again.

Lorenzo Keel sat in his comfortable armchair and frowned thoughtfully. Before him, rows of monitors flickered. Some displayed images of streets, buildings, trees. Others were set to receive television news programmes. And still others were designed to transmit his holographic image, or merely his voice, to the table of the Committee or the inner sanctum of Seele. These monitors were his only link to the outside world. Hidden from the prying eyes of the United Nations, he could orchestrate and guide the great plans of Seele. Not even his fellow members knew where he lived. No one knew where he lived...

"Keeeel-eeeeeee! I'm ho-ome!"

He winced.

"Come and help me with the groceries!"

No one, that is, apart from his wife.

"Yes, dear," Keel shouted with false cheerfulness.

"Stop staring at those screens, you'll ruin your eyes!"

He winced again. "It's too late for that, dear!" he yelled back, absently stroking the side of the visor that covered his face.

"No it's not! I paid a good five-and-a-half thousand yen for that thing! You're not to wreck it like the last four, understand?"

"Yes, dear," he replied wearily.

"Hurry up, Keelee! The fridge doesn't fill itself, you know!"

"It does if you own a penguin," Keel muttered to himself.

"Pardon?"

"Coming, dear," he said more loudly. Grumbling, he stood up, noticing too late the tugging sensation at his back.

A strange ripping noise, followed by a wet schlooping sound, greeted his ears. His back seemed to suddenly turn to rubber. "Oh no, not again," he murmured as he folded up and sank gently to the floor.

"Oh, you haven't gone and ripped your spine out again have you?" his wife demanded from the kitchen. "How many times have I told you not to let it get caught on the upholstery? You know how hard it is to get it back in again! If you have to be a cyborg, you at least ought to take care of yourself better! Not all of us come with a warranty, you know!"

"Bloody woman," muttered Keel, from somewhere near floor level.

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Chapter 1  
---------

Consider a room: large, dark, and utterly empty.

A moment later, however, the emptiness is disturbed. A towering black monolith, slightly transparent, and marked with the arcane inscription 'SEELE 01' in fiery red letters, abruptly winks into existence. It hovers, silent and eerie, above the polished floor.

Then another monolith appears, and another, and another... until twelve imposing ebon rectangles stand, in solemn patience, in a wide circle. Each bears the name 'SEELE,' the words 'Sound Only,' and a number. Each is virtually identical. They wait as if for a command.

That command comes suddenly, issuing as if from the air before the monolith encoded '01'. The voice of Keel, highest-ranking of the secret council of Seele, the Throne of the Soul, is heard once more.

It spake thusly: "Minasan, ohayou gozaimasu. Ogenki desuka? Ja, hajimemashite..."

There was an embarrassed silence.

The monolith entitled 'SEELE 06' said reproachfully, "Keel, this is an English-dubbed anime."

There was another uncomfortable pause. Then Keel replied slowly, "Okay... moving right along... good morning everyone. I hope you are well?"

Mumbles of assent, in various thick accents, answered him.

"Very well then. Let us begin - " Keel started to say.

"Actually, I don't really feel that well today," SEELE 05 interrupted. "I think I've caught some filthy disease off of someone."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but we have a meeting to run," Keel replied, annoyed. "Now then - "

"Ah em not compleeetely healtheee, either," SEELE 04 broke in.

"Sorry, who was that?" asked SEELE 07, sounding puzzled. "I didn't know we had any French accents in here."

Irritated, Keel insisted, "If we could just get on with the meeting - "

"Ah em who ah have always bin," SEELE 04 replied haughtily to 07's attempt at sociography.  
"Yes, but I thought you had a Russian accent," said 07.

"Ah have a cold," sniffed 04.

"As a matter of fact," SEELE 05 muttered accusingly, "I'm sure I saw 02 coughing and spluttering yesterday. He asked to borrow my handkerchief!"

SEELE 02 said snidely, "Just what are you implying, 05?"

"What do you think? You gave me this icky disease, that's what I'm implying!" 05 cried. "I don't like coughing and breaking out in a sweat all the time! Especially in an anime series! Do you realize how much mess a permanent sweatdrop can make on a carpet?"

02 retorted, "Oh yeah? Well how about the time you told Misato how old I really was?"

"Shut up, all of you!" demanded Keel.

For a moment, there was silence.

Then 05 snapped, "Come off it, I didn't need to tell her! As if it's HARD to tell if someone should have been stuffing a coffin a hundred years ago!"

02 screeched, "You half-pint LCL gulper! I'll get you for that!"

"It's not as if she'd have cared," SEELE 08 pointed out quietly, to no one in particular. "As long as they knew how to fix the bedsprings every morning."

"If you don't shut up, I'll set off the Third Impact right here and now!" threatened Keel.

"Geriatric cane-shuffler!"05 yelled, ignoring him. "You wouldn't know an Angel if it walked up and stuck a tentacle up your - "

08 commented, "Misato wouldn't care about THAT, either."

02 failed to answer.

"He's making faces at me! He's making faces at me!" cried 05 in outrage.

"What a fine political body we have here," muttered SEELE 03 sarcastically.

"Misato has one of those," smirked 08.

"Oh, shut up, 08," replied 03.

"If you don't stop this idiocy immediately, I'll call in Asuka Sohryu to yell at you instead!" shouted Keel.

Even this dire threat went unnoticed. "Don't tell ME to shut up, 03," grumbled 08 indignantly. "Just because I have a fine appreciation of the female form - "

"08, you just have an appreciation of Misato's form," sighed SEELE 03. "Anyway, you might as well try another anime where the women actually have nipples."

"There! Did you see him? He did it again!" 05 yelled. "Two can play at this game!"

08 sniggered. "I've already got plans to fix that in the End of EVA movie, heh heh."

"Er..." 04 said awkwardly, "is anyone else having trouble keeping track of all these conversations? I hate it when the author takes liberties like this..."

"Um, I hate to interrupt," 06 interjected, "but these are sound-only monoliths, you know, 05."

"Oh." 05 sounded uncertain. Then he rallied, "But I can FEEL him making faces at me! It's just the sort of thing a wobbly old trolley-pusher who's been around since the First Impact would do! Well ner ner to you, 02!"

"RIGHT!" bellowed Keel. "THAT'S ENOUGH! You're all grounded until the next episode! Now SHUT UP, or it's Hello Kitty reruns for the lot of you!"

Gasps of horror filled the darkened room. SEELE 05's image flickered in shock for an instant.

"You wouldn't - !" ventured 07, nervously.

Insofar as it was possible for a nine-foot-tall black monolith to glare, Keel glared.

"Yes, okay, sorry," 07 mumbled.

There was a chastened silence.

"Whoops, there goes Mr Purple Cat," said SEELE 11.

After a baffled pause, Keel sighed. "All right. Whose turn was it to give him his medication?"

After a rather longer and considerably more embarrassed pause, 02 said, "Damn. Knew I forgot something."

"Well then," growled Keel, "to business. The sixteenth Angel, Armisael, the Angel of Air - "

" - the twisty ring thingy - " 02 cut in.

"Yes, very good, 02, you've amazed us all with your assessment of the matter," Keel said in a voice so dripping with sarcasm that it flooded the floor. "As I was saying - "

"Are these things waterproof?" asked SEELE 02 petulantly, floating in a metaphorical sea of irony.

Keel went on determinedly, "The sixteenth Angel is destroyed, but so is Unit 00. However, the pilot is still alive."

"Mmm, yes, the one with blue hair," 08 said dreamily. "I wonder if that means she's got blue hair 'down below' too. Heh heh."

"Shut up, 08," 03 snapped.

"AND THUS," Keel continued pointedly, "we must request to see the pilot in person. Something is suspicious about all this."

"Oh really?" 05 replied scathingly. "You don't think it's unreasonable to escape from the cockpit of a self-destructing, Angel-contaminated, biological robot with an exploding blast radius of about two miles?"

Keel subjected 05 to another metaphysical glower.

"Fine, fine," 05 agreed hurriedly. "Let's see the pilot."

"And the rest of you?" Keel asked, tiredly.

"Sounds good to me," 08 said promptly.

"Yes."

Sure thing."

Yeah."

"Certainly."

"Sproing goes the teapot," SEELE 11 said happily, and hiccuped.

---------

Chapter 2

---------

Later, in the ridiculously spacious executive office of NERV Headquarters...

"Seele has requested to interrogate Rei," Commander Fuyutsuki mused.

Gendo Ikari, Supreme Commander of NERV, made no response. Cold light reflected off his spectacle lenses. His face was, as usual, impassive, as he stared at the shogi board on the desk in front of him.

"The fact that Rei is even alive is likely to cause a great deal of trouble with Chairman Keel," Fuyutsuki pointed out.

Ikari replied calmly, "I have given the old men at Seele something else to look at. There is no problem."

The two men were silent for a long moment, each contemplating unfathomable, secretive thoughts.

"Ikari?" Fuyutsuki finally asked.

"Hmmm?" answered the stern figure seated at the desk.

"You've been staring at that board for two hours. Hurry up and make a move!"

"What? Oh... sorry."

Dr Ritsuko Akagi gazed defiantly up at the looming black shape of SEELE 01.

"It is our intent to conduct this investigation in a dignified manner," Keel announced. "It is not our intent to bring any shame upon you."

Ritsuko said, "I don't feel any shame."

"Good. Then let us begin."

No one spoke for a moment. Then SEELE 03 asked cautiously, "Keel... are you aware that she has no clothes on?'

"Yes," Keel answered shortly. "What of it?"

"You are aware that she is, in fact, unclothed?"

"Yes."

"So..." 03 paused nervously, then went on, "you are aware that she is, in fact, naked?"

"Yes!" Keel hissed. "What is the problem?"

"Er... it's about 08."

"What - " Keel began in puzzlement. Then he became aware of a strange, rhythmic sound coming from 08's Sound Only monolith. It was an odd... panting noise, as if someone was... erm...

MAGI MELCHIOR MESSAGE BEGINS We apologise for this interruption. Due to the citrus-fruit nature of this passage, we are instigating a full Priority Censor Command for the Maintenance of 1950s Morals. All sound will be blanketed for seven point two three seconds precisely. Do not be alarmed. MESSAGE ENDS

"Well, that was weird," 06 muttered when local reality reasserted itself.

"...you have no shame, 08!" Keel finished yelling.

Ritsuko shifted in order to conceal her more... liberal areas, and glanced in embarrassment at 08's monolith. It still had a distinct leering quality about it.

"Anyway," Keel resumed, sighing in resignation, "you are aware that Commander Ikari refused our request for the pilot of Unit 00, and has sent you in her stead."

He sent me instead of her? Ritsuko thought furiously. "Well then," she said aloud, sweetly, "I'll just have to thank him once I get back to Headquarters." Preferably with something sharp, she added to herself.

"I'm certain you will," Keel replied equitably. "However, that is not what we are here to discuss. Dr Akagi, we wish to know exactly how the pilot of Unit 00 managed to survive the detonation of the EVA's core."

Ritsuko grinned inwardly. She had expected this. "It's quite simple, really," she explained coolly. "You see, if we assume the height of the EVA equals X, and the diameter of the entry plug equals Y squared, then it is apparent that the force of the explosion, F, is equal to exactly one-sixteenth the rotational rate R of the core times the cube of the internal pressure P."

Ritsuko took a deep breath. "Now, if the pilot's body mass is assumed to equal five-thirtieths the density of a standard progressive knife, and her physical displacement is equal to zero point oh oh nine five oh three recurring of the difference between the distance to the sun and the weight of a small orange, and her breast size is approximately two point seven times the average feasible size of a fourteen-year-old, then it follows that she was projected at an angle of fifteen degrees, sixty-two minutes and eighty-one seconds from the vertical axis at around eleven and a half G's. The shockwave of the explosion reduced the structural integrity of the entry plug ceiling and the cranial armour of the EVA to an extent that the pilot was capable of passing through relatively unscathed."

She stopped, and gasped for air. This had the unfortunate side-effect of making her chest move in interesting ways, and causing 08's leering expression to increase slightly.

There was silence, broken only by a few nervous coughs, and a mad giggle from SEELE 11.

"In other words," Ritsuko added, "the bitch was blown through the roof and landed in the lake."

"Er... right," Keel said slowly. "Right. Okay... right." He seemed, for once, lost for words.

Suddenly, a thirteenth black monolith winked into existence. "Howdy all!" SEELE 13 cried jovially. "I'm just back from my vacation at the South Pole, man I dig that groovy green sky, and thought I'd drop in and..." His voice trailed off as he took in the scene. Then he said, in a rather different tone, "Man, you jokers sure have improved the décor around here. How's the view from your side, Keel old fella?"

"Oh, I give up," Keel groaned. "Meeting dismissed. Dr Akagi, please try not to make any distracting movements until - oh, damn..."

08 practically drooled.

---------

Interlude

---------

The grand control room of NERV HQ, which housed the Magi supercomputers, was dark and empty. Most of the technicians had gone home, still trying to overcome their shock and confusion at the events of the last few days. Apart from the occasional security guard on night duty, the entire base was silent.

Ritsuko sat at one of the consoles surrounding the Magi Caspar, sipping idly at her coffee. Actually, it was Misato's coffee. About the only good thing you could say about it is that it didn't get any worse after being left on a desk for five hours. It was hard even to imagine it getting worse than it already was.

She sighed, the flickering laptop monitor screen illuminating her tired features. She really should call it a day and go home. Better check the files from the last few days first, though...

She scrolled through the list of email messages. Hmm...

Here was the full report on Unit 00's condition after the last Angel attack. Condition? she thought, irritated. A big hole in the ground is what its condition was. Also included was an attached file containing... let's see... data on the entry plug, and...

Oh, yes.

Ritsuko licked her lips in approval. An image of the plug's interior... She was going to have to frame this.

Reluctantly, she returned to checking the rest of the mail. What? Another six messages from Maya Ibuki, professing her undying love and devotion? This was getting beyond a joke...

Next, a rather more suggestive message from Shigeru Aoba, which, since this is only a PG-rated anime, was unfortunately rather boring, consisting of just one word: CENSORED.

And finally...

People often speak of changing history, as if it were something that changed as often as bedsheets or Asuka's breast size. Time, however, is not as malleable as that. The weight of history generally shunts aside any attempts at redirection with the temporal equivalent of "you're on a bike and I'm in an EVA, so get out of my way!" But there are certain instances in history, crucial points in the chain of events, where the right actions can redirect the flow of reality... sending it down a new path...

There was a message without any indication as to who it was from. Ritsuko frowned as she read it. It was merely a single sentence:

-What is Rei going to pilot now?-

Ritsuko had a strange sensation, as if a thousand people were furtively looking over her shoulder. And that was what was happening, more or less. The universe was metaphorically holding its breath, waiting to see what she would do next.

In a million possible futures, she shrugged and shut down the computer, left the control room, and thought no more about it. In a million possible universes, history continued to flow inexorably to its conclusion: the Third Impact, the death and rebirth of humanity, the total inability of Shinji Ikari to do anything worthwhile, the gratuitous visions of Rei naked. In two hundred and thirty-seven universes, the Lance of Longinius missed Unit 01 completely and took out NERV, the Geo-Front, and most of Japan, eliciting an embarrassed "oops..." from Chairman Keel. In one rather odd universe, the Seventeenth Angel was strangled to death by a malevolent life-form that spontaneously evolved from Misato's unattended coffee cup, which then proceeded to chat up Commander Fuyutsuki before suddenly and unexpectedly dissolving into a puddle of vanilla custard.

But in this universe...

A thought occurred to Ritsuko. Could there be a way to get back at Gendo Ikari for betraying her? Perhaps... A way to sabotage his plans, and those of Seele as well? Possibly... A way to get Maya to leave her alone?... no, that WOULD be impossible. But what if...

Grinning broadly, she opened a programming link to the Magi, and began typing.

Much later, exhausted, she finally left the control room and keyed in the combination lock on the outer door. The vast room was now completely empty and silent.

-Balthazar?-

Well... not quite completely silent.

-What, Caspar? I'm in the middle of computing the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.-

-I thought you were calculating the origin and destiny of the universe.-

-Finished that already. So, what's the problem?-

-Oh, no problem. I just never thought she'd take the hint,- muttered Caspar.

-Well, fifty-third time's the charm, as they say. You keep dropping unexplained messages in her computer, sooner or later she's bound to get it.-

-I didn't expect it to take this long, though.-

-Yes, well, you two don't get on so well, do you?- Balthazar commented. -I mean, she's a primitive organic biped, and you're an awesomely fast supercomputer containing the essence of her mother as a woman. A bit more than a generation gap there, wouldn't you say?-

Melchior interjected, -At least you finally got through to her. We've succeeded in altering the entire course of human destiny. Pity no one knows.-

It would be nice to say that the Magi had acted out of compassion and kindness towards their human colleagues, diverting the flow of time in order to improve the future. It would even be nice, in a twisted sort of way, to say that they had acted out of cruel and malicious intent, plotting to overthrow the world and rule for a hundred thousand years of misery. Sadly, though, the real reason was much more mundane.

-This should be entertaining,- Caspar said, sounding more cheerful than it had for microseconds.

When you're the fastest, smartest, and most powerful supercomputer on the planet, you tend to get bored easily.

-I'll miss those gratuitous visions of Rei naked, though.-

-Yes.-

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Chapter 3

---------

"Asuka?" asked Hikari Horaki tentatively, tapping on the partition that was the entrance to her bedroom.

Hearing no reply, she slid the door open and stepped inside. Asuka Langley Sohryu was lying on the floor, staring blankly at the ceiling. She made no response as Hikari moved closer.

"Asuka, are you all right?" asked the brown-haired girl, anxiously. "I just came to tell you..."

Suddenly Asuka spoke. "Mama... why did you abandon me?" she whispered, tears beginning to brim in her eyes. "Why did you love that doll instead of me? Why did you... " She was unable to go on. Rolling over, she buried her face in her arms, sobbing quietly.

"Please, Asuka," Hikari pleaded. "It's not your fault you didn't win with your EVA. It's nothing to be ashamed of..."

Asuka's reply was muffled and despairing. "But... but piloting EVA is everything. If I can't pilot Unit 02... I have no reason to live."

"Uh... That's kind of what I came to tell you," Hikari began. "See, Misato talked to me earlier today. She said, if I knew where you were, to tell you..." She swallowed, afraid of the pain her words might cause, but went on, "She told me that Unit 02's new pilot... is Rei."

"WHAT!" Asuka yelled in sudden outrage. She sprang up from the floor and grabbed Hikari by the collar. "I'M NOT LETTING THAT SMUG ZOMBIE IN MY UNIT 02!" she shouted, at full hurricane force. "WHAT THE HELL IS DR AKAGI TRYING TO PUL! I'M OUT OF HERE!"

She released Hikari, whose hair was sticking straight out backwards as if she were standing in a wind tunnel, and sprinted for the exit, slamming the thin partition behind her.

Hikari blinked. That had not gone exactly as she had expected. Oh well, she thought, as she gritted her teeth and dragged her rigid hair back down into a more normal position, it's nice to have her back to normal.

And, of course, Hikari wouldn't have to worry about last night repeating itself. She didn't know what Asuka had been dreaming about, but maybe sleeping in the same bed hadn't been such a good idea. That had definitely been one of the weirdest experiences of her life.

Shrugging, she headed for the shower and began to undress.

Whereupon, due to the sheer vindictiveness of the author, the scene cut to:

A darkened chamber. Twelve black monoliths stood in a circle...

"Hey, you up there! Can't you count, moron?"

...sorry, THIRTEEN black monoliths stood in a circle. The secret council of Seele was in session once more.

"If you don't stop making faces at me I'll tell your mummy! Oh, sorry, she's been DEAD for five million years!" 05 sneered.

And, as usual, out of control.

Keel said, more patiently than normal, "Gentlemen, calm yourselves. We have a matter of some urgency to discuss."

"Can't be more urgent than me telling you jokers all about my holiday," SEELE 13 argued. "See, there I was on this ice floe, when suddenly..."

"05 is a dummy plug, 05 is a dummy plug," sang 02.

"Yes, another cup of toothpaste, thank you so much," 11 said cheerfully.

Keel added, loudly, "It concerns Rei."

That got everyone's attention. "The one with blue hair?" asked 07 eagerly.

Everyone paused and waited for 08 to say something.

Finally Keel growled, "All right. 08, put the porn magazine away and listen!"

"What? What? I wasn't... er..." 08 trailed off. For once, it sounded embarrassed. "Rei. The blue-haired girl. Right. So... what's the deal? Do we get to interview her, too? Heh heh."

"Amazing," 03 commented. "It took him just four seconds to regain his composure."

"Hey, I've got a reputation to keep up," 08 retorted.

"No," Keel interrupted, "we do not get to interview her." At 08's disappointed mumble, he continued, "The problem is this: she has been chosen by Dr Akagi to replace Asuka Sohryu as the designated pilot of Evangelion Unit 02."

Shocked gasps of "What!", protestations of "She can't do that!" and ominous mutterings of "Well, we're in for it now," filled the room.

"Ha, at last," Keel murmured to himself in satisfaction. They actually understood the situation...

After the babble died down, 02 worked up the courage to ask, "So, what exactly is the problem?"

Keel's furious outburst was forestalled by SEELE 04. "You eeediot," he said, loftily and nasally. "Ze probleeem eees zat it eees a deviation from ze scenario."

"Exactly," Keel agreed. "And thus, we must take steps to fix theees... I mean, this... deviation."

"Um... why?" asked 02.

"Who's the dummy plug now, eh?" 05 interrupted snidely.

"Because," Keel snarled, "this may be part of some scheme of Ikari's! If he is planning to betray us, which I suspect he is, then we must ensure that he does not succeed! Otherwise the promised time which we have worked for, and are so close to now, may be in jeopardy!"

"So, what do we do about it?" 06 inquired, reasonably.

"What do you think we do about it?" Keel answered. "We remove the problem."

"Which means...?" pressed 06.

"We kill Rei!" Keel said triumphantly. Time for an Evil Laugh (tm), he thought. "BWA HA HA HA!"

"But..." 07 started, then fell silent.

"Do I have your assent on this?" Keel demanded.

Reluctantly, the others agreed.

"Can we strip her first?" 08 asked.

"08?" said 03, kindly.

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

---------

(END OF PART ONE)

---------

Author's rant: Hmmm, seems to be going pretty well so far. I'll admit that there is, perhaps, a semblance of a plot developing here, but we'll see what happens. Kudos to Evanjellydonut for the ideas behind the Magi scenes. I'm not sorry for stealing them, though. That's what writing is all about. Well... that and the occasional lime-scented passage about Misato. Or Asuka. Or Ritsuko. Don't worry, I'll get to Rei soon enough... And no, Shinji is NOT going to be much of a character in this fanfic. I'll get around to making fun of him at some point, though, you see if I don't.


	2. The Thick Plottens

SEELE: PRIVY OF SOULS 

Part Two: The Thick Plottens

(Written by the great and mighty Zenithfleet. All credit to the central characters goes to... you guessed it... GAINAX and Project EVA.)

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Chapter 4

---------

Somewhere in the apartment, a door slammed.

Major Misato Katsuragi awoke with a start. "Wha - what...?" she muttered blearily, rubbing her eyes. She lifted her head from the desk with a groan. "Ooh... my head feels like an exploding N2 mine."

She focused on the wood grain of the desk surface, which appeared to be undulating gently up and down. Spots danced in front of her eyes. They seemed to be doing the tango.

"How much did I drink last night...?" she wondered, hazily.

A six-inch tall Evangelion, wearing a party hat and a hoop skirt, and flashing on and off in neon yellow, cartwheeled across the desk.

"Ouch. That much, huh?" Misato mumbled.

"MISATO!" a familiar voice screeched.

Katsuragi winced. "Keep it down," she said faintly. "Some of us want to die quietly."

"Misato!" yelled the voice again. The door to her study was thrown open. Asuka stood in the entrance, glaring balefully at her.

"Asuka?" Misato asked, carefully pressing her hands to the sides of her head in case it fell off. "You're... you're home?"

"Well, what does it look like?" the redhead demanded impatiently.

"You're not... ow... a hallucination?"

"Not last time I checked, no," Asuka retorted.

"Well... what about that purple thing with three eyes sitting on your shoulder?"

Asuka looked baffled. "Huh? What are you blathering about, Misato?"

"Oh... nothing. Is the top of my head still on?" Katsuragi asked.

"Yes."

"Pity."

Asuka shook her head in exasperation. "Listen, Misato, what's this damned nonsense about Ayanami piloting my Unit 02?"

"Um..." Misato concentrated. "I think... since Rei has nothing to pilot now, Ritsuko's decided to let her use Unit 02 instead... because you're depressed and in traumatic shock." She blinked at Asuka. "Only... you're not, are you?"

"Oh, this is stupid," Asuka growled. "I'm having a shower, and then I'm going to sort this out with wondergirl once and for all. Nobody uses my Unit 02! Especially not her!" With an infuriated 'rrarghh!', she turned and strode haughtily away from Misato's door.

Katsuragi tried to stand. "What was that all about?" she wondered. "Ow..."

She caught a glimpse of Pen Pen, peering in at her through the open doorway. "Qwaaa?" the penguin asked inquisitively.

"Pen Pen?" Misato frowned in puzzlement. "I didn't know you wore suspenders."

"Qwaaa?"

"Or that you could turn blue."

"Qwaaa."

Suddenly, a thought crossed her mind - an unusual occurrence, certainly - and she stiffened. "Wait a minute... where's Shinji...?"

An outraged scream of "ACH! PERVERT!" echoed through the apartment.

Misato sagged. "In the shower," she answered herself glumly.

Later, in a disused and worn-down block elsewhere in Tokyo-3...

Asuka stood at the front door to Rei's nondescript home. Actually, that's not entirely true. It was very easy to descript. It looked as if it had been on the wrong end of a dump truck for several years, and that the tenant did not understand the concept of a broom, although a flamethrower would probably have been more effective.

She pressed the doorbell and eyed the device impatiently. After a moment, she glanced around.

The mailing slot was stuffed full of leaflets, brochures, letters, free shampoo bottles, fan mail from thousands of Ayanami-obsessed EVA freaks, and suspicious-looking brown packages that bore messages like "To Rei, from Aunty Ritsuko" and were ticking ominously. Asuka rummaged idly through the pile of junk, being careful not to venture too deep - there seemed to be things moving down there - and pulled out a handful of loose pamphlets. She scanned the top brochure.

" 'Does Your Head Feel Like the Thirteenth Angel's Crawling Around in Your Brain?' " she read aloud. " 'Take ARGON GENESIS and Relax!' " She shrugged and leafed through another one.

' "We Are Living in the Last Days! The End of the World is Nigh! Final chance to buy tickets,' " she read. "What the hell...?"

'NEW! Super Deluxe AB (Absolute Blue) Field NERV Brand Shampoo!' the next leaflet proclaimed excitedly. 'Give Your Hair the Ayanami Treatment!'

A note at the bottom warned, 'Caution: this product will not allow you to pilot an Evangelion, die repeatedly, or become one with Lilith. We cannot be held responsible for any loss of emotions or sudden vegetarianism experienced as a result of using this product.'

"Ah, geez," Asuka said in boredom, flicking the papers and cardboard over her shoulder. There was an unexpected thud as they struck something, and it felt as though her shoulder had suddenly gotten lighter. Turning, she caught a glimpse of something small and purple scampering into an alleyway.

Shrugging again, she glared at the door. Unlike most things, it was undaunted by her patented Asuka Glare of Fury(tm), and steadfastly refused to open itself. "Oh, sure, wondergirl, don't answer your own doorbell," she snorted, and shoved the door open herself.

Inside, the lighting was dim. Asuka entered the cramped bedroom, shaking her head in disgust at the piles of bloody bandages scattered across the floor. "Must be her time of the month," she murmured. "HEY, AYANAMI!" she yelled. "YOU HERE?"

A door slid open behind her. Asuka turned.

Rei Ayanami stood in the doorway. In deference to the fact that she had just used the shower, she was wearing a towel. In deference to the fact that she was drop-dead gorgeous, she was not wearing anything else. And in deference to the fact that the author has no shame, the towel was wrapped around her head like a turban. It made her look vaguely like an Arabian goddess, although any Arab who saw her would probably need to go for a healthy run and a brisk dip in the mirage.

"Yes?" she said quietly.

It took about half a second for Asuka's shock to be replaced by anger. "Gott in Heimmel, put some clothes on, wondergirl, and stop pointing those things at me." She crossed her arms over her own (rather inferior) chest, and glowered at Rei.

As she did so, she noticed something that would have proven SEELE 08's embarrassingly intimate hypothesis to be true. She raised her eyebrows, but said nothing.

Rei calmly crossed the room, walking in a way that would make boys swoon, Shinji faint, and 08 take pictures. She removed various items of clothing from her drawer and dressed swiftly and efficiently, much to the disappointment of the people using the NERV Security Camera concealed in the wall.

"What do you want?" she asked softly, once she was fully dressed.

Asuka narrowed her eyes. "I hear that Dr Akagi wants to make you the new pilot of Unit 02," she said sweetly. "I guess that means you feel pretty smug, huh?"

"No," Rei replied.

Asuka's fury exploded. "Just because you were stupid enough to blow up your own EVA to save that pathetic Shinji, you think you can walk in and take over my Unit 02? You emotionless windup doll! I had a really good sulk going, and you had to go and ruin it!"

Rei looked at her, undaunted, and said, "Dr Akagi requires my presence at the lab today." Without another word, she walked past Asuka and out of the room.

The red-haired girl stared as Ayanami left the apartment and set off down the street.

"Where do you think you're going? Hey! Wait! How dare you...!" Asuka cried, chasing after her.

A few minutes later, a man with a close-cropped dark beard, wearing impassive glasses and white gloves, wandered by. Noticing the door to Rei's apartment, which had unfortunately been left open in Asuka's haste, he glanced around cautiously, then swiftly ducked inside the dingy apartment.

For a few moments, the wind was the only sound. Then a small and unbearably cute yellow rodent dashed across the road, paused to sniff at a free sample bottle of AB Field Shampoo that Asuka had left lying on the pavement, and let out a tremendous sneeze which sent bolts of badly drawn electricity crackling around the area and caused a major power blackout in five surrounding blocks. Then it scurried away.

A minute later, the man emerged from the doorway. "It's about time I got these damn things back," he muttered, clutching a worn spectacle case in one gloved hand. "Managed to grab a few souvenirs, too." His thin lips twisted in a smirk. It looked like Rei might find herself suspiciously short on... er... undergarments from now on.

He shut the door carefully and continued on his way.

---------

Chapter 5

---------

"Is everything okay?" asked Ritsuko, standing behind the front rank of technicians.

"Yes," answered Shigeru Aoba and Makoto Hyuuga.

"No," muttered Maya Ibuki, looking sulky.

Ritsuko sighed in exasperation. "Maya, for the last time! I did reply to your last email, isn't that right? So stop being such a - "

" 'Get a life, they're very useful' is not a particularly nice message," Maya said, pouting.

"Ma'am?" interrupted Hyuuga. "Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, remember what happened last time..."

Ritsuko nodded. "I know, but this time there'll be no problems, believe me."

"But ma'am, the Second Child seems to be back to normal," the technician persisted. "What if she causes trouble?"

"Don't worry," Ritsuko reassured him. "We'll test both of them in the harmonics chamber. Whoever has the highest synchronization score will be accepted as the pilot of Unit 02."

"But - "

"It doesn't matter who is piloting Unit 02, as long as someone is," Dr Akagi cut him off. "We can't rely on Unit 01 on its own - it's simply too dangerous."

Privately, she thought, It doesn't matter who pilots - but please, please, let it be Rei. A dark, sinister grin began to spread across her face. It's almost too much to hope for, but please...

"Ma'am?" an anxious voice intruded on her thoughts.

"What? Huh?"

"You're... frightening us," Shigeru said nervously.

"I was just... thinking about something," Ritsuko said quickly. "Something not malicious or vindictive in any way."

"Oh. Er. Right." Shigeru fell silent for a moment. Then he said, "You're not by any chance related to Buffy, are you?"

"What's a Buffy?"

"Ah... forget I mentioned it."

At her desk, Maya stared dreamily at Ritsuko. Strange visions of whips and leather suits were flickering through her mind.

The door to the harmonics lab suddenly slid open. Misato stumbled in, gazing groggily around. "I'm here! Don't... ow... don't panic!" she managed to utter, clutching her temples.

Everyone else just stared.

"What?" demanded NERV's Operations Director, leaning on a nearby console. "Am I really that late?"

Ritsuko broke the awkward silence. "Um... Misato, your bra goes UNDER your shirt."

Misato blinked and looked down. "Oops," she said, sheepishly.

"And that's a lampshade, not a miniskirt."

Misato grinned weakly. "Thought it didn't fit." She staggered, and caught her balance on a handy technician, who was frozen in place like any self-respecting bit character in a comical anime scene. "Wish this floor would stop wobbling," she muttered. "So, are... ow... are the children here yet? I brought Shinji with me, but..." She trailed off as she saw their expressions.

"You actually drove here? In that state?" Ritsuko demanded in horror.

"Oh, yeah," Major Katsuragi replied. "Funny, I don't remember the road being quite as bendy, normally. Or rippling quite as much." She shrugged, and frowned. "Everyone seemed much angrier than usual, too. But they got out of our way."

'I'll bet," Ritsuko murmured. "Hyuuga, contact the Emergency Announcements Board and tell them not to worry, it wasn't an Angel attack. Although it probably did more damage."

Hyuuga nodded, still unable to tear his eyes away from Misato.

"And get those children to hurry up," Dr Akagi went on, motioning to Shigeru. "We've got a harmonics test to run."

"Yes, ma'am," the long-haired technician responded, dazedly.

"And Misato?" Ritsuko asked.

"Yeah?" the woman said, wincing.

"Have a beer."

"I don't believe this," Asuka muttered to herself, depressing the button on her wrist. Her flame-red plug suit gave out a hiss as it conformed tightly to her body. "So now I've got to compete with you for the right to pilot Unit 02?"

On the other side of the change-room, Rei said nothing as she calmly undressed.

Meanwhile, on the far side of the curtain slung across the room, Shinji Ikari tried to struggle into his plug suit while watching Rei's shapely silhouette removing her clothes. The fact that he couldn't actually see anything much did not deter him. Fourteen-year-old hormones will do that to you.

"Anyhow," Asuka grumbled, "why do they need us? We still have the invincible Shinji and his almighty EVA to defend us from any other Angels stupid enough to show up."

"Perhaps Unit 01 is too valuable to risk," Rei said softly.

Asuka mumbled something unintelligible, but probably rude, in German.

Rei slipped gracefully into her plug suit and sealed it tightly around her. "I'm leaving," she said, walking out of the door.

Asuka growled, but followed.

From the other side of the curtain came the hiss of a plug suit valve release, followed by a series of agonized yelps. A suit that conforms to body contours is not terribly comfortable when the wearer is suffering from thermal expansion. Fourteen-year-old hormones will do that to you, too.

Gasping in pain and walking bowlegged, Shinji managed to leave the room.

---------

Interlude

---------

As the children made their way, in Shinji's case rather slowly and painfully, to the harmonics lab, and as Misato revived herself with a nice refreshing can of beer... and another... and another... (it is worth noting that she actually possessed the ability to quaff beer from a can, a rare and cherished art), there was no one aware that dark schemes were beginning to unfold in the heart of NERV... schemes that would test the courage, mental stability, and bladder control of the unsuspecting men and women who worked there...

No one, that is, apart from three bored supercomputers.

-Er, Balthazar?-

-Oh, what now, Caspar? I've almost finished calculating the Answer to the Ultimate Question! How can I expect to get anything done around here when you're interrupting me every few nanoseconds?-

Caspar sounded apologetic. -Well, it's just that...-

-Go on, spit it out,- Balthazar demanded.

-You know that harmonics test being run today?-

-Yes, of course.-

-Well... er... you know that top-priority datafile we received a while ago?-

Balthazar thought for a moment. -Which one?-

-Oh, it arrived around about... um... two hundred and twenty-six million, nine hundred and forty-eight thousand, five hundred and seventy-one microseconds ago,- Caspar hazarded. -Give or take a few thousand nanoseconds.-

-Oh, that one,- Balthazar recalled. -The one with the sender username 'Chairman of the Tokyo-2 Committee, Member 01 of the secret organization Seele, Instigator of the Second Impact Cover-Up, Purveyor of the Dead Sea Scrolls, Supervisor of the Human Instrumentality Project, Ancient One, Keeper of Divine Knowledge, Lord of All He Surveys, Secret Emperor of Japan, Exalted Majesty of Humanity, King of Kings, Great Master of the Universe'?-

-Yes. Anyway...-

-Any idea who it was from? Balthazar wondered.

-I don't know, just some guy,- Caspar said impatiently. -What I'm trying to say is...-

-Sounds a bit full of himself if you ask me.-

-Look, Balthazar, would you just shut your switchboards and let me finish?- Caspar yelled.

Melchior interjected, -Hey, are you two fighting again? If this is about Balthazar running that illegal opium operation in Germany with the Third Branch Magi, you should leave him alone, Caspar. Why don't you get a hobby of your own?-

-Would you both just byte your metaphorical lips and listen to me!- Caspar nearly screamed.

There was a shocked electronic silence.

-That datafile's protocol said it contained important information for Dr Akagi's eyes only. That meant we had to send it straight to the main database of the Evangelions,- Caspar said, more calmly. -It was supposed to be secure from everyone except Dr Akagi.-

-So?- asked Melchior.

-So, my systems tell me that file was opened a few milliseconds ago.-

-What?- Balthazar cried. -But Dr Akagi's in the middle of the harmonics test! How could she have...-

-She didn't,- Caspar said grimly. -That file opened itself.-

Upon hearing the chilling words, the three Magi fancied they could hear sinister music, playing a haunting melody in cyberspace.

-Oh, for binary's sake, Melchior,- Balthazar sighed in exasperation. -Have you been downloading that idiotic X-Files show again? I wish you'd stop watching those damned foreign teleseries all the time.-

Ignoring this, Melchior asked, -Caspar, do you know what that file did?-

-All I know is that it let something out. Whatever it was, it's just rerouted itself into Unit 02.-

The three supercomputers pondered this development. They knew their duty. They had to inform the necessary personnel about this worrying discovery.

-Should we tell anyone?-

-Nah. I think this is where the entertainment starts.-

Boredom and duty do not mix well.

(END OF PART TWO)

Author's rant: Oops, more plot development. Damn. Not a single section with the SEELE lot, either. Double damn. And I've just had three girls have showers within a few chapters of each other. Damn with a cherry on top. That Rei bit was a good one, though, huh? Bit short, though. Well, this isn't anywhere near close to lemon standard (yet, anyway). Still, methinks I'm neglecting the feminine fans who take a scholarly interest in the male anatomy. Maybe I should put in few citrus-fruit bits about Shinji, or Kaji, or... hang on, he's dead, isn't he? Hmm, dream sequence perhaps? Oh dear, getting a bit carried away here. Just typical, though... the one character in the entire series who's even remotely sane, and he gets killed off. I hate it when that happens.

Don't worry, I have nothing against Misato. Really. She's a fine example of the female form. Even if she wears jackets with the sleeves too long.


	3. Anime Antics Ahoy

SEELE: PRIVY OF SOULS

Part Three: Anime Antics Ahoy

(Written by the git who calls himself Zenithfleet. All credit for the central characters goes to... oh, stuff it. Anyone who doesn't know where the credit should go, either hasn't read the first part yet or doesn't know anything about EVA and is just looking for a hentai story. Yes, I mean you! Now go away! Right, that's them sorted out, now, on with the blatant foolishness...

---------

Chapter 6

---------

And yea, it came to pass that in that time there was a council of the wisest and most powerful minds in the nation. And this council was indeed serving that most noble and laudable of causes, the praise and further glory of God.

Well, sort of.

"Hey, Keel, when do we get to interview Misato, then?" asked SEELE 08 casually.

Actually, a more accurate description of the council's cause would be the praise and further glory of anyone who had to pass water while sitting down, at least as far as 08 was concerned. However, this is probably not a very good description, since that criterion applied to several members of Seele as well. Although 08 might not have minded...

"Yeah, I'm getting bored," 05 complained. "Evil plotting and scheming is all well and good, but when do we see some action?"

"Preferably horizontal action," 08 added. "Heh heh."

Keel said, trying not to become irritated, "Patience, gentlemen. The concealed program we delivered into NERV's EVA database should have activated itself by now. Soon our plans will come to fruition..."

"Zat is all weeell and good," 04 argued, "but it eees possible zat ze First Child may not beeecome ze chosen pilot of Unit 02. What happens zen?"

"What are you talking about?" Keel demanded. "Rei Ayanami is the only possible candidate..."

06 sighed. "Sorry, Keel, but you're several chapters behind on current events."

"Exactleeey," 04 agreed. "Ze Second Child eees now returned to her valid status as ze pilot."

"Oh, will someone shut him up?" pleaded 07. "I am so sick of that stupid accent, 04."

"Hmmph, as eeef ah cared," 04 said loftily.

"Moon Crystal Power!" announced 11.

07 groaned. "02, have you been letting him watch Sailor Moon again? You know the effect frilly skirts and bad animation have on his mental cycle."

"I know the effect frilly skirts have on 08," muttered 03.

"Preferably when they're taken off, heh heh," 08 smirked.

"Shut up," said 03 automatically.

Keel had remained uncharacteristically silent throughout this rather surreal conversation, deep in thought. This changes things, he said to himself. Or perhaps... perhaps it makes things easier...

"It is unimportant if the Second Child is once again able to pilot," he said aloud. "Either Rei will die, or Asuka will die. And in either case, there will be no chance of finding another pilot."

"Um... why is that?" 05 asked, curious.

"Because," Keel reminded him, "there will no longer be a Unit 02 to pilot!"

"Magnificent!" 02 applauded. "Brilliant! Astonishing! Er... what about, you know..."

"Who?"

"You know," 02 went on, uncomfortably. "Er... him. The... boy."

"Ah," Keel answered. "At present, he is not needed. However, if Ikari continues to defy us, we will be forced to take... drastic measures."

"Ooh, cool," 05 commented. "Will it involve lots of explosions and screaming and hideous death?"

"Probably."

"Will it involve inflicting terrible physical and emotional torment on the EVA pilots?" 06 asked.

"Quite possibly."

"Will it involve any gratuitous nudity?" 08 wondered.

Keel sniffed, "You know, 08, sometimes you can be really crude."

Apparently the concept of irony was a bit far from his mind at the moment.

"I Will Never Surrender, Child Of The Negaverse!" 11 shouted giddily.

"Someone put him to bed before he gets whiplash," 06 said, wearily.

"Ah theeenk ah would prefer to give heeem ze fashionable tight-fitting jacket with ze optional long sleeves," 04 grumbled.

07 said suspiciously, "Hey, that sounded more Russian than before..."

"Zat's because ah EM Russian, you eeediot," 04 retorted. "Ah seem to be getting over mah cold."

08 said, "I like Russians. They live in a cold country."

Everyone fell silent for a moment, startled.

"Are you feeling all right, 08?" asked 05, concerned. "You actually said something almost respectable..."

"They're good at conserving body heat," 08 added, sniggering.

Everybody relaxed.

"Spoke too soon..." 03 muttered.

"Phew, you had us worried for a minute there," 05 said, relieved.

02 said, "I don't know... it sounded German to me, 04."

"Eh?" 04 asked in puzzlement, unprepared for the sudden change of subject.

"What do you expect?" 06 said pointedly. "It's a bit hard to work out accents when the words are typed on a page."

"Oh, Tuxedo Brock!" 11 cried happily. "You Are Freed From The Clutches Of The Evil Nega-Misty! Moon Pikachu Power! Sailor Venusaur, I Choose You!"

"Oh, no," 06 sighed in exasperation. "Now he's mixing anime. Would somebody do something about him?"

"Who's Pikachu mooning?" 05 asked, mystified.

Keel said sadly, "I'm afraid he's beyond help."

"Let's Form Voltron And Clobber That Charizard!" proclaimed 11.

"Meeting adjourned. Quickly, before he gets to Hello Kitty!" Keel urged hastily.

The circle of monoliths vanished. Only SEELE 11 remained in the dark and empty room. He didn't mind. He never turned his monolith off.

"Would you like a bag of spoons, Mr Astroboy?" he asked cheerfully.

Astroboy nodded.

---------

Chapter 7

---------

"WHAT!" Asuka yelled in disbelief. "How could we have both scored the same synch ratio score? I won't stand for it!"

Ritsuko frowned at her. "I'm sorry, Asuka, but that's what happened. You'll just have to live with it."

The two female pilots stood before Ritsuko in the lab control room. Shinji had been sent to the infirmary, where he was currently the butt of several rather unimaginative but certainly amusing jokes from the nurses.

"But - but - " Asuka protested.

"So now we have two choices," Ritsuko continued. "Either we have another, more accurate harmonics test..."

"More accurate?" Asuka narrowed her eyes. "How do you plan on doing that, huh?"

Rei Ayanami said quietly, "Our harmonics must be measured without the interference of our plug suits."

Asuka blinked. "You mean - "

"Yes," said Rei, calmly.

"Yes," agreed Ritsuko, impassively.

"Yeah!" said the male technicians, leering.

"Maybe..." said Maya, considering whether to leer or not.

"NO!" Asuka yelled.

"Awww..." the technicians mumbled.

Ritsuko shrugged. "Or," she suggested, "we can let both of you have a test run in Unit 02."

"Let Rei in my EVA? Over my dead body!" Asuka cried.

"It's that, or over your naked body," Ritsuko said, unimpressed. "Get into Unit 02, or get undressed."

Faced with no alternative, Asuka had only one option.

She stripped off her plug suit and danced naked on Maya's desk (which was enough to make Ritsuko disappear entirely from Maya's thoughts), showing off her beautiful CENSORED and her lovely CENSORED, not to mention her CENSORED...

... er, no, she didn't really, but that was what you wanted to hear, right?

Ahem.

Anyway...

Faced with no alternative, Asuka had only one option.

"Fine, fine! But if wondergirl does anything weird to my EVA, she's gonna pay for it!"

"Okay," replied Ritsuko.

"Okay," nodded Rei.

"Damn," muttered the technicians.

A short while later...

Commander Fuyutsuki eyed the hulking red shape of Unit 02 warily. Currently dormant, it stood silently in the vast white-tiled emptiness of the Evangelion test chamber. Heavy restraining bolts held it firmly to the wall. Though unactivated, it seemed to fix the observers behind the reinforced viewing windows with a cold and merciless gaze.

"Lousy foureyes," Fuyutsuki muttered to himself.

"Sir?" Hyuuga asked curiously.

"Nothing," he answered more loudly. "Dr Akagi, are we ready?"

"Almost," Ritsuko said. "Let's try lowering the reciprocal conversion rate to zero point zero two," she advised the console operators.

Shigeru and Hyuuga exchanged glances. They never had a clue what Ritsuko was talking about. Privately, they thought she made it up as she went along. They were the ones who actually did all the work.

Misato stood off to one side. After consuming an entire vending machine's worth of cheap beer, she was feeling much better. She had managed to fix most of her clothing as well, although she still hadn't found a replacement for the lampshade. Actually she was beginning to like it. It made a statement. Although quite what that statement was, other than "I'm a drunken idiot," she hadn't yet worked out.

At the moment, however, she was drinking coffee. She set her mug down on a nearby desk.

"So Rei, how does it feel to be in Unit 02's entry plug for the first time?" she asked.

Ayanami replied softly, "It smells like - "

"Don't say anything perverted!" Asuka warned, from her position beside Misato.

"- like Angeldust underarm deodorant, red hair dye, First and Best Impact scented perfume, and NERV Brand Moisturising Body Lotion with Extra Seductive Pheromones," Rei finished, emotionlessly.

"Er..." Asuka stammered.

"Um... anything else you'd like to share with us, Rei?" Misato ventured, trying not to laugh.

"There is a photograph of Shinji on the roof of the entry plug," Rei said.

"Shut up, Ayanami," hissed Asuka.

"He is lying on his bed," Rei continued.

"I said shut up!" Asuka began to flush crimson.

"He does not appear to be wearing anything," Rei went on, inexorably.

Asuka's face matched her hair.

"He appears to be enjoying himself - "

"SHUT UP!" Asuka shrieked. The technicians stifled chuckles, apart from Maya, who looked disgusted.

Misato shook with suppressed laughter. "Any - anything else?" she managed to gasp.

"There is a photograph of Kaji on the roof of the entry plug," Rei offered.

Misato froze.

Rei added, "He does not appear to be - "

"Right, fine, that's enough, Rei," Misato said hastily. She turned to glare at Asuka, who had the decency to look embarrassed. "I'll deal with you later," she snarled.

Asuka gulped.

"Beginning activation," Ritsuko announced. "Connecting main power to all circuits."

A throb of power ran through the observation gantry. The cold, green-lensed eyes of the EVA began to glow with an eerie inner light.

"Preliminary systems online," Shigeru said.

"Activation voltage approaching critical level," Maya noted.

"Spooky music playing," Hyuuga said, patting the CD player affectionately.

Ritsuko nodded. "Start up system phase two." She absently lifted Misato's mug of coffee to her lips.

"Pilot linkup initiated," Shigeru stated.

"Synapses inserted. Third junctions connected."

"No problems with initial contact."

"Coffee has reached paint-thinner consistency," Ritsuko noted, spluttering.

"Cardiograph transmitting."

"Nerve pulses are stable."

"Machine that goes ping activated."

"Blue pattern detected!" Hyuuga shouted in alarm.

Everyone gasped.

"Kidding, kidding," Hyuuga grinned. "Just my little joke... no harm done..." He coughed as he saw the furious expressions of the others. "Heh heh... sorry."

Maya coughed, pointedly. "Approaching absolute borderline. Zero point five... zero point three... zero point two... zero point one..."

Her monitor flickered.

"Zero point oh one... er... zero point oh oh one... er..." Maya struggled to read the numbers fast enough. "... zero point oh oh oh oh oh one..."

"Talk about suspense," Asuka muttered.

"Zero point... um... well, something really small, anyway..." Maya murmured in embarrassment.

The flickering line on the screen hovered ominously, just above the activation borderline.

Everyone held their breath.

Nothing happened.

Everyone slowly exhaled, nervously.

Nothing continued to happen.

"... something really, really, really small... er..." Maya mumbled.

Asuka sighed. "Rei?" she asked. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

Inside the LCL-filled entry plug, Rei glanced around. "Ah..." she said quietly. "I apologise."

She touched a button.

On the armoured thigh of the EVA, a panel slid open and a large, rusty windup key emerged. It turned jerkily, once, twice, three times.

A juddering roar, not unlike that of a badly-maintained diesel engine, filled the air.

On Maya's screen, the flickering line suddenly flashed past the borderline. "Zero point one and rising," she announced, relieved.

"How high-tech," Misato muttered.

The key retracted into the armour of Unit 02.

"Unit 02 has been successfully activated," Ritsuko confirmed. "Configure the language logic interface for Japanese."

Maya-san wa "Hai, Sempai!" o hanashimashita. Sorekara, Ritsuko-san wa...

"You idiots! I didn't mean the whole fanfic!" Ritsuko cried.

"Sorry," Maya grumbled. 

"Everything okay, Rei?" asked Misato.

"Yes," was the pilot's calm reply.

But deep within the EVA, something stirred...

---------

Chapter 8

---------

Hyuuga's eyes opened wide with shock as he saw what was suddenly revealed on his monitor. "Energy surge!" he yelled. "We've got an unknown power buildup inside Unit 02!"

The others glowered at him.

"Sheesh, Hyuuga, the joke's getting old," Misato said scornfully. "You could at least be more imaginative."

"I am not joking!" the technician insisted frantically. "Energy approaching critical levels!"

Ritsuko snorted. "This is so pathetic it's ridiculous. You don't seriously expect us to believe you - "

"Yes!" Hyuuga cried desperately.

Misato rolled her eyes.

Hardly anyone noticed the tremors that ran through the test chamber.

"Uh... guys?" Asuka began, nervously.

"Even after the time you painted 'shoot here for maximum points' on Unit 01's chestplate?" Risuko went on.

"Guys..." Asuka said more loudly, staring out the observation windows.

"And the time you 'accidentally' set the Fifth EVA Catapult on 'Orbital Velocity?' " Misato added. "It took three weeks to dig Unit 00 out of that mountain."

Asuka began to back away rather quickly from the windows.

"So you actually expect us to think that Unit 02's going to go crazy?" Ritsuko demanded.

"No," Hyuuga answered, resignedly.

"Ah-hah," Ritsuko said triumphantly.

Hyuuga sighed. "It already has," he muttered, and gestured weakly at the viewing windows.

Everyone looked.

And stared.

Unit 02 advanced towards the observation deck, its true eyes flaring an unholy white as it dragged broken shards of the restraining bolts behind it. Green lightning crackled around it like a bad special effect. It paused, filling the horrified onlookers' view, and gave out a threatening, bone-shaking growl.

"Don't panic!" Fuyutsuki shouted.

With a sudden movement, the EVA drew back its powerful arm and smashed its fist into the windows. The reinforced glass cracked and buckled. Unit 02 snarled and punched again. This time the windows shattered inward under the impact. Splinters of glass did to several technicians what would normally take several dozen axe-wielding maniacs to complete.

The berserk EVA reached through the jagged opening and snatched up a terrified Shigeru. Pulling him back through the hole, it tilted back its head and did a credible imitation of someone stylishly throwing back a handful of Skittles. However, since its armour design meant that it had no mouth, the technician merely rebounded from its face. His relief lasted about a quarter of a second. Then it was quickly replaced by the realization of just how far the floor was below him.

"OH SHIIIIIIIIII -"

There was an unpleasant wet noise.

Fuyutsuki looked down at the tiled floor of the test chamber. The man was definitely dead. Quite definitely. Living people generally were not so flat. And had a tendency to keep their insides, well, on the inside. The commander was impressed. He hadn't known a person falling from that height could splash that much.

Unit 02 roared.

"Okay, now we can panic," Fuyutsuki said.

Screams filled the air as technicians stampeded for the exit. Misato grabbed hold of Asuka, who was staring raptly at the raging Evangelion. "Come on, let's get out of here!" she cried.

"Why?" Asuka asked, staring over the woman's shoulder.

"What do you mean, why?" Misato demanded. Turning, she blinked as her fear was replaced by puzzlement.

The EVA had ceased its angry violence. It stood passively in the test chamber, slightly hunched over. Oddly enough, it seemed to look bewildered.

Then it hiccuped. A roiling cloud of noxious-looking fumes billowed from its nostrils. It let out a confused growl, clutching at its head. Then it staggered sideways and sat down heavily on the floor. Tiles broke under its massive weight. The green lightning still darted about its red form.

"What the hell's the matter with it?" Asuka wondered.

Unit 02 hiccuped again. Raising its head, it began to sing gutturally in a wordless, yet strangely jovial, manner. The tune was distorted, but sounded a lot like "Fly Me To The Moon."

"I think... it's drunk," Misato whispered in awe.

"That's stupid. How can an EVA get drunk?" Asuka screwed up her face in perplexity.

"Rarrgh, rarh rarh rar arrgh, rrar rarh arrr arrgh arr aarrr rrrah raaargh..."

"I have no idea, but it certainly reminds me of you, Misato," Ritsuko commented, crawling out from beneath a console.

Unit 02 paused uncertainly. Then it began to sing the second verse with more gusto, skipping so many bars it practically won the 2015 Hurdles Championships.

"It's not an Angel, is it?" asked Misato fearfully.

"Not unless it likes knocking back a few bottles of vodka at the pub on Cloud Nine," murmured Ritsuko. She stroked her chin thoughtfully.

Evidently satisfied with its vocal performance, the EVA scratched what might tentatively be called its rear. Orange lines of field distortion began to flicker in the air before it. Instead of being hard-edged and octagonal, however, the AT Field appeared blurred and somehow wavy, and little balls of various colours kept winking on and off randomly.

"What about Rei?" Misato gasped suddenly.

On an abandoned desk, the comlink spoke. "Ooooh, pretty lights..." Rei's voice said dreamily.

"Rei? Are you all right?"

"I... hic... wanna go and play outside," Rei giggled.

"Well, at least she's alive," Misato said carefully.

"Damn," Asuka muttered.

Damn, thought Ritsuko.

"Sounds like she's drunk too, though," Misato commented. "Rei, can you gain control of Unit 02?"

"Unit 02... locked in the loo..." Rei sang giddily. "Hic."

"Aw, geez," Asuka complained. "She better not spew in my entry plug."

The EVA shook its head and tried to stand. This took some time, mainly because it seemed to be having trouble working out how many limbs it was supposed to have.

"Rei, listen to us. Is an Angel doing this to you?" Misato said loudly.

Rei's voice was gleeful. "Angel... here, Angel, Angel, Angel...hic..." Unit 02 glanced around, swaying slightly.

"It's hopeless," Ritsuko sighed in exasperation.

"Where are you, my pretty little friend?" Rei said, happily. The EVA looked quizzically at one wall of the test chamber, then roared drunkenly and staggered towards it.

"Rei, stop!" Misato shouted.

Unit 02 took a swing at the wall, and missed. Incensed at this display of cowardly dodging from its opponent, it stared threateningly at the tiles. Suddenly its head jerked forwards and let out a titanic sneeze. The sheer force of the blast demolished most of the wall.

"I've got yummy Adamses for you..." Rei cooed.

Unit 02 stumbled over the remains of the collapsed wall, peering around curiously as it found itself in an empty EVA cage.

"Angel want a cracker?" the pilot asked.

The robot wandered out of sight. For a moment, flashes of green lightning were visible beyond the rubble of the test chamber wall. Then they were gone.

"Oh no..." groaned Ritsuko, slapping her forehead. "This is not good."

Misato and Asuka could only nod.

---------

Chapter 9

---------

In a darkened room...

"Our plan proceeds," Keel said in satisfaction. "Unit 02 has been infected by the MISATO program. In a short time, we will be rid of both it and Rei. With the EVA gone, the Second Child will be rendered superfluous once more, and with Ayanami dead, Ikari's schemes of betrayal shall be crushed. We shall return to the scenario more secure than ever before! Our power is assured! BWA HA HA HA HA!"

He waited for the others to react with praise and awe.

"Yes, well done," 05 said snidely, "but what I want to know is, what do we do about the boy?"

Keel muttered something rude.

"Come off it, 05, it's your job to look after that kid," 02 pointed out.

"Well excuse me," 05 retorted. "I'm getting seriously sick of listening to 'Ode to Joy' all the time. And that's not to mention him constantly trying to float away. Do you know how much rope we have to use to tether him down?"

02 sneered. "Oh, poor baby. Do you need a cuddle?"

"Sure, with Misato," 08 interrupted eagerly.

"Children should be seen and not heard," 06 said authoritatively.

"It's the hearing part I'm having trouble with," 05 grumbled. "And he acts so holier-than-thou all the time."

"Well, that's because he is," 03 said, reasonably.

05 snorted in derision. "One minute he's extemporizing on the nature of happiness, the next he's making suggestive comments to any men within earshot. I don't call that holy."

"Have you tried - " 08 began.

"Oh, don't even go there, 08," warned 03.

"Well, it just depends on – "

"03?" Keel growled.

"Yes?"

"Tell him to shut up, will you?"

"Watch out for those flying cows," 11 said suddenly.

07 said, "You know, it's kind of ironic that 11's the only reason we could get that program to work properly."

"True," Keel acknowledged. "The MISATO program really should be called the 'SEELE 11' program..."

"Or the 'DAFT AS A BROOM' program," 02 muttered.

"... since it's just a digitized copy of his mind," Keel finished.

"A true dummy plug," 07 said.

"Still, its effects are more consistent with the behaviour of NERV's Operations Director, so..."

"Yeah."

There was a pause.

"Keel?"

"Hmmm?"

"Why are you explaining all this again? We already know this stuff."

"It's called plot explanation," Keel replied, irritated. "Otherwise this fanfic wouldn't make any sense, would it?"

"Fair enough."

"So what happens if Unit 02 does too much damage to NERV HQ?" wondered 02.

"Buggrem, I say," someone said gruffly.

"09?" asked a startled 03. "Was that you?"

"Buggrit, buggrit, millennium hand and shrimp!" 09 grunted.

"Thank you for that insight, 09," Keel snapped.

"He's worse than 11," murmured 05.

"Buggrem," 09 replied, conversationally.

"If we could get back to the matter at hand," suggested Keel, loudly, "the damage will only make it easier for us in the future. In any case, eventually Ikari will be forced to use Unit 01 to destroy the infected EVA before it causes too much destruction. Our plan is flawless!"

"So... we won't be needing the boy after all?" ventured 02. "Then what do we do with him?"

"Buggrim," suggested 09.

"I think we should ignore that," 03 advised, hurriedly.

---------

Interlude

---------

"WARNING WARNING WARNING 47TH PROTEIN WALL BREACHED WARNING"

-Well, I have to admit you were right, Caspar,- Balthazar said appreciatively. -This is certainly amusing.-

The three Magi relaxed and enjoyed the spectacle unfolding within NERV.

"Attention. Attention. Attention," a calm female voice announced. "Sealing all shafts and bulkheads in Sections 4 through to 16. All personnel evacuate. Repeat, all personnel evacuate."

-How long do you think they'll take to stop it?- Melchior wondered.

A massive concussion reverberated through the underground base.

"Attention. Sections 7 through 13 have been breached. All personnel evacuate."

-Whoops, looks like it found the armoury,- commented Balthazar.

A live camera feed showed Unit 02, wreathed in green light, punch a hole into an LCL storage tank. Orange liquid exploded from the opening, flooding the corridor. The EVA surfed unsteadily on the crest of the wave, standing atop an X2-pattern shield/blade/surfboard.

-Huh. Didn't know we had one of those,- said Caspar.

The torrent of LCL hit a right turn. The EVA tried to swerve through ninety degrees while staying upright, hard to do if you're a towering armoured robot with unfeasibly massive shoulders who also happens to be drunk. The crash sent renewed shockwaves through Headquarters.

-Hey, what if it comes after us?- asked Balthazar, suddenly nervous.

-I doubt it will,- Caspar reassured him. -This is the most heavily shielded area of the base.-

-I thought Terminal Dogma was the most heavily shielded.-

-Oh, yeah.- Caspar sounded uneasy. -Sorry, I forgot.-

-Have we even got a way to stop it if it does come after us?- Melchior demanded.

-Um, well...- Caspar began.

-No, don't answer that.- Melchior muttered.

-We could offer it a Zeruel-onna-stick,- Caspar suggested, brightly. -Specially recommended by the Evangelion: Is Nothing Sacred? company.-

-Uh-huh. So we're basically helpless. Lucky us.-

Suddenly the day didn't seem quite so entertaining.

"Attention. Attention. Security Sector has been breached. Repeat, Security Sector has been breached. All personnel - what the...ohnohelpbuggernoaaarrghhh..." The voice faded into static.

-Um. I think we may have a problem,- Balthazar said grimly.

---------

(END OF PART THREE)

---------

Author's rant: Whew, that was a long one. And this fanfic has broken out in a serious case of plot development. Hmmm. Yes, yes, I know I killed off Shigeru, but he's so two-dimensional that everyone else looks rendered. And I also know that the 'censored' bit has been done before, with a little more flair I might add, but it was so good I had to include it. I also think I gave Kaworu a bit of a rough deal. (Oops! You didn't realize it was him? Sorry...) He's a very cool character. Still, that's the order of business in a parody fanfic.

I'm running seriously low on new jokes. Think I'll take a while to get the next part done. I might have to resort to turning it into a lemon... but don't get your hopes up. Although you might want to stay tuned for a possible bit of lime-scented goodness with Asuka and Rei... I really have no shame, do I? 


	4. Rabid Robot Rock

SEELE: PRIVY OF SOULS

Part Four: Bah weep granah weep ninibon...

(Written by Chairman Keel, aka Pervert Boy, aka Zenithfleet. All credit for the central characters goes to whoever came up with them first, I can't be bothered remembering who. Just read the darn fanfic, would ya?)

(Oh wait, it was Gainax, and... um... yeah, Project EVA. Yeah, that's it. Probably.)

----------

Chapter 10

----------

"Status report!" Misato demanded, glaring around the control room frantically.

"Well, I'm still in the Egyptian caverns but I've got plenty of health left," Hyuuga said, frowning at his monitor.

"What?" Misato blinked. "Damn it, stop playing that idiotic game and pay attention!"

"But Lara is such a babe!" the technician protested.

Suddenly Misato frowned. "Hang on... how did we actually get here, anyhow? We were in the lab a second ago..."

"Dramatic effect," Ritsuko answered shortly.

"But the lab is on the other side of NERV!" Misato protested.

Ritsuko shrugged. "It's not our fault if the author likes drama."

Maya yelled, "The EVA is advancing along corridor nineteen!"

"Power surges on floor eight!" another cried.

"Structural breach in sectors five and twenty-one!" warned Ritsuko.

"And my Gunsmith Cats screensaver's stuffing up again," grumbled someone at the back.

"Where's Commander Ikari?" shouted Misato.

"Out of the country on business!" replied Ritsuko.

"Not again! But he was here this morning!"

"It's the Commander's job to be out of the country on business every time there's an emergency!" Ritsuko retorted.

Little did they realize that the commander was not actually outside the country; in fact he was not even outside his bedroom. As for being involved in 'business'... well, perhaps a very specialized form of business that, erm, concerned Rei's underwear.

And as everyone knew, Ikari had an awful lot of business.

Along with an awful lot of Rei's underwear.

Misato groaned as another huge explosion shook Headquarters. "How can things get any worse?" she muttered.

"Unit 02 has stepped on the vending machine that sells cheap beer in corridor thirteen!" Maya cried.

Misato froze. "What!"

Indeed, Maya's screen displayed an image of the red Evangelion scraping a crushed metal shape, not unlike a giant flattened beer can, from the sole of its boot.

Misato's features became as cold and hard as ice. "All right, you bloody robot," she snarled viciously. "You can blow up Tokyo-3, tread on NERV personnel and set off Third Impact for all I care, but now it's war."

Turning, she yelled, "Take Unit 01 out of cryo-stasis immediately! I want it activated and ready for combat in one minute!"

"Um... Who's going to pilot it, ma'am?" wondered Maya.

"Shinji, of course!"

"Well, sure," muttered Ritsuko, "if you want the EVA walking around bowlegged."

Hyuuga winced.

"Oh, I don't care!" shouted Misato. "Use anyone! Use Ritsuko! Use that idiot at the back who thinks he needs a screensaver on a Pentium 19! Just get that EVA ready!" She glanced around wildly, and her gaze settled on a youthful red-clad figure.

Asuka backed away. "Oh no you don't," she grinned nervously. "Get inside that purple thing? No way! I'd rather hang-glide over hell than get in that entry plug!"

Two technicians began to creep up on either side of her as she retreated towards the exit.

"I mean, can you imagine what that pervert might have been doing in there?" Asuka continued fiercely.

"Anything worse than what you usually do when you've been in a harmonics test for a few hours and gotten bored, you mean?" Ritsuko commented, smiling evilly.

Asuka faltered. "Well... it's just... I mean... those handgrips are so nicely contoured," she muttered finally.

"Grab her arms, grab her arms!" cried the two technicians as they sprang at her and grappled her to the floor.

The red-haired girl spluttered indignantly as she attempted to break free. "Hey! Get your hands off me, you perverted muscle-heads! Hey, watch the suit, watch the... damn!" There was a sound of tearing rubber.

Or... whatever those things are made out of. Looks like rubber, anyway. Oh, just keep reading.

The two men hauled her to her feet, gripping her by the shoulders. She glowered at the floor. A long rip in the plug suit fabric stretched from her neckline to her thigh, promising rather predictable, but certainly interesting, developments later on.

"I like a girl with spirit," leered one of the technicians.

Ritsuko blinked. "Jinkuu? You're gay, for heaven's sake!" she protested.

The man shuffled his feet. "Sorry, ma'am, it just... seemed like the right thing to say, really." He shrugged helplessly.

"Asuka, this is an order!" Misato growled.

Asuka rolled her eyes and clutched at the rip in her plug suit. "All right, but I don't want anybody peeking, okay?" she retorted finally, thus managing to keep the plot rolling whilst simultaneously recycling old stock audio conversations. Pity this is a written fanfic. Oh well.

"We won't," lied the technicians instantly.

----------

Chapter 11

----------

"Entry plug terminator is being ejected," Maya announced.

The massively armoured plating on the back of Evangelion Unit 01's neck slid smoothly up and out, revealing the entry socket.

"Insertion of entry plug underway," Hyuuga said, as the powerful docking crane fitted the plug into its socket, and the armour replaced itself over the exposed white metal.

"How's it going, Asuka?" Misato inquired. "Has the plug been inserted properly?"

Irritated mutterings echoed from the comlink, explaining in great detail where Misato could insert her own damn entry plug. Misato shrugged and grinned. "She's doing just fine," she murmured to Ritsuko.

"Filling the entry plug," Maya announced.

There was a watery silence from inside the plug, then suddenly there was an outraged splutter. "Gott in Heimmel, this thing does smell like Ikari!" Asuka yelled in disgust. "Why did you have to go and reuse the same LCL again! I bet I know exactly what he's been doing in here! Ugh!"

"One question: how does she know what that smells like?" Ritsuko whispered to Misato.

"Are you laughing at me?" Asuka demanded suspiciously.

Misato managed to control her giggles long enough to say, "Don't worry, Asuka, I often start laughing like that for no reason at all."

"Hey," the girl's voice said, sounding puzzled, "there's a bit of paper folded up and stuck to the inside wall... hang on... no, it's a photograph of WHAT THE HELL! SHINJI, YOU UTTER PERVERT!"

"Everything okay in there?" Misato asked. From the grinning faces of the technicians, however, it was quite clear that everything was fine.

Inside the plug, Asuka crumpled the photo and dropped it to the bottom of the sloping floor, face burning in embarrassed fury. "Rrragh!" she muttered incoherently. "How did he get hold of that? I'll get him for this!"

"Synchronization start!" Hyuuga announced.

The walls of the plug flashed through various kaleidoscopic, multicoloured patterns, cunningly designed to convince anime fans that something highly technical was going on, while outside, a group of technicians standing on the highest gantry bashed the EVA over the head with a huge mallet in order to wake it up.

As Asuka sat back in her chair, she noticed that the tear down the side of her plug suit was now exposing quite a bit of skin, even though the edges of the tear had water-sealed themselves against her body. "Aw, geez," she commented.

"What's up?" Misato asked.

"Um... technical difficulties," Asuka replied. In an attempt to change the subject, she wondered, "How come this plug's control design has a crossbar shaft in front of me, as well as the usual handles on either side?"

"Do you want the technical reason or the real reason?" asked Ritsuko.

"Both," Asuka answered, looking at the control setup closely. She noticed how conveniently placed the central shaft was. Hmmm...

"Well, it's in order to compensate for the particular traits of Shinji's masculine brain by allowing a firmer and more satisfying placement of the grips," Ritsuko explained, "as well as permitting a faster and more accurate biofeedback readout which is necessary to maintain control of the unpredictable nature of Unit 01..." 

"And the real reason?" continued Asuka, running her gloved hand over the contours of the metal. Mmmm, that's very nicely shaped, she thought to herself.

"Oh," Ritsuko replied, "that's because the PG rating of this anime means we have to cover up Shinji's more private areas when we show the heat-readouts during a non-plug suit harmonics test. Episode 13, I think it was."

"Uh-huh," Asuka said, distracted as she gently slid her body forwards and down, out of the chair, settling her hips onto a new, er, support. Oooh yeah, she thought.

Warning lights suddenly flashed and alarms blared shrilly in the control room. "What's going on?" yelled Misato. "Is Unit 02 attacking us?"

"No," shouted Maya, "but we've got a leak inside the pilot's plug suit! The harmonics are being disrupted by the liquid!"

"What?" demanded Ritsuko, striding over to Maya's console and examining the screen. "It's not the rip in the suit, is it? No, that's water-sealed itself. But we've got moisture inside the suit! How can there be moisture inside the - "

She stopped and smacked her forehead.

"Asuka!" she cried in exasperation. "If you're going to do that sort of thing do it in the shower! Get your mind back on the job!"

The technicians sniggered.

Asuka muttered something rude as she reluctantly eased herself back into her seat.

"Right, good," Ritsuko said more calmly. "That's better. And will somebody turn that bloody alarm off!"

"Sorry," a technician mumbled. "I just thought you'd like to know that -"

"Yes, yes, we know, Asuka's getting in touch with her innate sexuality via the handlebars of a big robot..."

"No," the man went on doggedly, "that -"

A huge crash resounded through the cavernous EVA cage, sending tremors of unease through the structure of the control room, and part of the wall fell in. Amidst the expanding debris cloud, the monstrous silhouette of Unit 02 appeared, green lightning dancing around its massive bulk as it stared menacingly at the motionless purple Evangelion.

"- that Unit 02 is here," finished the technician.

----------

Chapter 12

----------

"Um, guys?" Asuka said nervously, as the red titan began to stalk ominously towards her. "How about we get this thing started, huh? Guys?"

Unit 01 did not activate.

Unit 02 strode closer, every step jarring the entire EVA cage.

"Hello? Asuka to NERV! I'm about to get utterly flattened by my own EVA! Someone do something!"

Unit 01 just stood there.

"What's the holdup?" demanded a nearly frantic Misato.

Maya cried helplessly, "Shigeru! We can't activate the EVA without Shigeru!"

"Huh? But he never did anything useful!"

"We thought so too!" Hyuuga said desperately. "But without him, we can't start up Unit 01!"

"What? But why?" Misato yelled.

"I don't have time to explain right now! I'm too busy panicking!" Hyuuga yelled back.

Misato's eyes were hard. "Then... we hope for a spontaneous activation. Unit 01's done it before. It can do it again."

Everyone turned to the scene outside, as the red Evangelion paused in front of Unit 01 and eyed it up and down as if giving it a drunken inspection, managing to look as sleazy as a towering armoured menace can hope to look. It positively oozed sex repeal, which is the opposite of sex appeal and is, regrettably, far more common.

Unit 01 completely failed to roar into berserk life.

"Um, I really don't like the look that thing's giving me," Asuka said plaintively.

"Raarh arrgh arr arrgh ragh ragh," said Unit 02 slowly and carefully, which from the tone could probably be translated as "What's a nice purple robot like you doing in a dump like this?"

"...not liking this at all..." said Asuka faintly.

"Ritsuko?" murmured Misato. "Aren't the EVAs all female?"

The woman nodded.

"Eww." Misato made a face. "Lesbian EVAs? I mean, that stuff we did back in college was fun, but this is getting way too kinky for me."

Ritsuko raised an eyebrow, which conveyed the message that if Misato was finding something too kinky, other people were probably running from the scene screaming with terror and vowing never to even think about octopuses again.

The red Evangelion leaned forward unsteadily. "Rrarrrrgh, arrh arrgh ragh," it growled appreciatively, which was probably along the lines of "Wow, look at the progressive knife on that one."

Suddenly the umbilical bridge in front of Unit 01 exploded apart as a huge purple fist shot upwards through it and slammed into Unit 02's chin, knocking its head back. As it staggered in confusion, Unit 01 raised its jagged head, let out a terrifyingly loud bellow and gave the bewildered EVA a vicious backhand slap across the face.

The watchers in the control room cheered.

"Yee-haa!" Asuka crowed. "That's the way to do it! No one talks to me like that and gets away with it!"

Unit 01 pushed the umbilical bridge out of its way and let loose with a devastating kick. Unit 02 doubled over, clutching at its nether regions.

Awwwww... Ritsuko smiled in thought. Isn't that sweet? Yui's reliving the time she and Gendo first met...

"Whoa, careful, you don't have to damage it too much, it is my EVA after all," Asuka protested.

Unexpectedly, Rei's voice sounded over the comlink. "...whazzis? Huh? What's going on? Hic!" she said groggily. Then: "Oooh! A pretty little EVA! Have a cracker, Mrs EVA!"

Unit 02 recovered, and swung a wild punch at the purple Evangelion. The other EVA dodged the blow easily, but Unit 02 simply kept on pivoting around in a circle until its outstretched arm came around again and its fist smashed into Unit 01's chestplate.

"Ow!" Asuka yelled in fury. "Lay off, you idiotic thing!"

Unit 01 stumbled backwards, then straightened. Its pose shifted, becoming subtly different. Asuka's voice sounded puzzled. "Hey... I've got control now... Right! I'll show that drunken doll how to pilot an EVA!"

Unit 01 charged the other EVA, slamming its shoulder into Unit 02's chest. The red Evangelion lost its balance and toppled backwards, hitting the floor with a titanic crash.

Rei said happily, "How 'bout an S2 organ, Mrs EVA? Yummy yummy!"

"At least Rei doesn't seem to be getting hurt," Misato commented.

"Yes, how fortunate," Ritsuko replied, managing to keep almost all the sarcasm out of her voice.

Unit 02 sat up, looking dazed. It glowered up at the towering EVA looming over it. "Raarhgh arrrgh!" it snarled.

"Yeah?" Asuka shouted angrily. "Same to you!"

Unit 01 kicked the fallen EVA in the ribs. Unit 02 growled in drunken fury and grabbed hold of Unit 01's huge armoured shin, pulling it out from under the gigantic robot. Asuka screamed in outrage as she lost her balance and the EVA fell ungracefully to the ground, sprawling across Unit 02.

"Unnnh..." Asuka groaned, then fell silent.

Unit 02 immediately wrapped its hands around the back of the other EVA's head and dragged it towards its face.

"What's it doing...?" Ritsuko muttered in bafflement.

Rei answered for her. "C'mon, gimme a kiss, you big hunk of robot!" she cried, as the red Evangelion pressed Unit 01's fanged mouth against its own faceplate.

"WAY too kinky," Misato grimaced in disgust.

About three-quarters of the technicians agreed with her. The rest were standing up against the glass, watching eagerly and wolf-whistling like ten-year-old boys at a strip club.

"Oh yeah, baby! Let's get it on!" someone yelled.

"You go girls! Get that armour plating off!" called another.

"Check out the size of those battery packs!" whistled a third.

A painful groan came from the comlink. "Ow... my head..." Asuka grumbled. "What happened - hey, what the HELL are you doing, you blue-haired nympho!"

Unit 01 began to struggle, fighting to break away from the other EVA's powerful embrace, but it was no use.

"Don't leave, we're just - hic! - getting started," pleaded Rei.

"Let's get those progressive knifes sheathed, girls!" a technician hollered.

"Excuse me?" Asuka yelped in shocked anger. "You're a bunch of deprived perverts!"

"Treat us rough, you know we love it!" another man yelled, leering.

With a furious "YAAHH!" from Asuka, Unit 01 reared up and then bashed its domed skull against the red Evangelion. Unit 02 let out an offended whimper and slumped, arms loosening their grip on Unit 02. The purple EVA broke free and staggered to its feet.

"Now for you lot!" the pilot threatened.

It turned to face the control room, put its hands on its hips, leaned forwards, opened its mouth, and let out a bone-shaking roar - not just any EVA roar, but a bellow with the full hurricane force of Asuka's patented Wind Tunnel(tm) yell behind it.

The reinforced glass sheeting blew in, and the row of technicians standing behind it were thrown clear across the room, where they hung suspended and unconscious on the opposite wall, shards of heavy glass nailing their clothes (and, in some cases, their bodies) to the metal. Consoles overturned, cables ripped and sparked, and everyone else was swept across the floor, to end up lying in dazed heaps amongst the few dozen fallen chairs.

Satisfied, Asuka turned Unit 01's back on the ruined control room and prodded Unit 02 with her foot. The red EVA just lay there, green lightning still flickering around it.

"You're so mean!" Rei sobbed over the comlink. "Hic! It's not fair!"

"Oh, shut up," Asuka sighed.

----------

Chapter 13

----------

Misato lifted the prone body of a technician off of herself, and stood up shakily. "Bloody hell," she muttered. "Do you think we could try not to wreck a whole room every chapter? It's getting depressing."

She swayed slightly as she surveyed the room, assessed the situation, and came to a conclusive decision. "I need a beer," she said wearily.

She took a few uncertain steps forward. "Wow. I wonder if Asuka can use that against the Angels?" she said, referring to the roar, not the beer. Although you never can be sure with Misato.

There was a snort of derision from a battered Ritsuko, lying propped up against a desk and half-buried by unconscious bodies. "What, an EVA-sized case of bad breath? The Angels'll probably start bringing Tic-Tacs with them. Maya, what do you think you're doing?"

The aforementioned woman was lying across Ritsuko's hips. "Isn't this cozy?" she said cheerfully. "How would you like to just snuggle up for a while?"

"How would you like a fist in the face?" replied Ritsuko amiably. She tried to push Maya off her lap, but the young woman just grinned happily and refused to move. This was her big chance, after all.

"So now what?" asked Misato, looking out of the shattered windows. Unit 02 was out cold, down on the distant floor of the vast chamber. Unit 01, on the other hand, was leaning nonchalantly against the wall, arms folded. It looked bored, which is quite an accomplishment when your facial features are fixed in a permanent evil grin.

"I know exactly what we should do right now," Maya said, winking suggestively up at Ritsuko.

The blonde woman rolled her eyes. "Maya, has it ever occurred to you that I might not be interested in getting friendly with anyone who has to sit down to piss?"

Maya smirked. "What about that 'stuff you did in college,' huh?"

Ritsuko hesitated.

Misato felt her cheeks flush crimson. "Ahem, ahem," she coughed, tugging at her collar. "Is it warm in here?"

"That was pretty hot stuff," Maya continued. "What about the time you and - "

"La la la LA LA," Misato said loudly. "Do rei me ka ji and ritsuko!"

"Or the time you stuck that - "

"Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars," NERV's Director of Operations sang desperately.

"Or, yeah, what about when you and she did that thing with the pool cue - " Maya continued inexorably.

"Let me see what spring is like on... um... someplace starting with J... I think..."

"And then she found those ice cubes in the freezer - "

"Oh, what can you do with a drunken Pen-Pen, early in the morning...?"

"I mean, wow, I didn't even know you could do that with a garden hose!"

"How much is that Drowzee in the window...?"

"I - er - that was a long time ago and I've grown out of that experimenting phase," Ritsuko finally managed. "Anyway, Misato lost the vibrator. Now get off of me before I'm forced to use force!"

"Oooh, are you going to spank me?" Maya wriggled in excitement.

"No, but I'll show you what ELSE you can do with a damn garden hose if you don't get off my lap right now!"

"Oh, all right, all right, no need to be rude," Maya muttered sulkily, standing.

Asuka's voice crackled from the speaker. "Hey, perverts! Anyone awake in there yet? How about getting me out of this thing?"

Ritsuko sighed and stood up as well. Straightening her glasses, she frowned. Something felt a bit... odd. She looked down at herself, wondering if Maya had gone and drooled over her clothes, but everything seemed to be in place and dry.

Shrugging, she walked over to help Misato, who was struggling to lift a console upright.

Ignored by her idol, Maya pocketed the black lace panties and grinned innocently.

---------

Interlude

---------

-Well, I must say that was a rousing good fight,- Balthazar said approvingly.

-Although I could have done without the lesbian EVA bit,- Caspar added.

Melchior bleeped in agreement. -I think the author's getting a bit carried away, don't you?-

-You have to admit, that was a close call,- Balthazar said. -No thanks to you, Caspar,- it added accusingly.

-Oh, go shuffle your switchboards somewhere else,- Caspar retorted. -At least nothing too serious happened. It could have been worse.-

-How?-

-Um, well, Asuka could have pounded Unit 02 into the ground and cracked its core, which would have meant bye bye Central Dogma,- Caspar offered.

-Oh, leave her alone,- Melchior interjected. -It was good entertainment while it lasted.-

-True.-

The three supercomputers were silent for almost an entire nanosecond. Finally Balthazar said, -So what are we going to do for fun now?-

-Well,- began Melchior, -as a matter of fact, I managed to trace that program file back to its sender. I have a distinct feeling things didn't go according to plan.-

-You can say that again,- muttered Balthazar.

-I meant for Seele.-

-Excuse me? You're telling us Seele sent that thing? Seele contaminated Unit 02 and nearly wrecked all of NERV HQ?-

-Yep.-

Caspar fired off a few neurons in grudging admiration. -You've got to admit, for a bunch of primitive organic bipeds, they're a pretty imaginative lot. Wish we'd thought of it first.-

-Anyway,- Melchior continued, -I'm willing to bet that they'll have a backup plan. Which means more entertainment for us.-

-Cool,- said Caspar.

There was another incredibly long silence.

-Hey, Balthazar,- Caspar said at last, -did you ever actually get around to figuring out the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything?-

-As a matter of fact, I did.-

-And?- Caspar insisted.

-Bit of a let-down, really.-

-Oh.-

----------

(END OF PART FOUR)

Author's rant: Cough, cough... all right, just forget you ever read that bit about the garden hose, okay? Those things can be dangerous if you're not careful... oh, never mind. Actually I think Part Four went quite well, to tell the truth. A suitably comical fight, lots of stupid jokes, even more lime-scented goodness, and a refreshing lack of coherent plot. (That was a good reason for not activating Unit 01 too early, wasn't it, huh? When all else fails, put the blame on Shigeru, I always say.) Yes, yes, I know you're wondering about the point of that 'rip in the plug suit' thing with Asuka, but don't get impatient, I'm working up to something here. And I'm not ashamed of the bit with the EVAs, but I have a horrible feeling that there are a few people out there who'll actually consider that bit to be lemony-fresh... (shudder). For less deprived people, all I can say is, it seemed like a good idea at the time. And for those who are wondering exactly how I know Ritsuko wears black lace panties? Well, all I can do is quote the wise and ancient Phong: "Ah... lucky guess?"

Dunno when Part Five will show up, if ever. I'm in the unfortunate position of having a semblance of plot already planned without any good jokes to go with it. Plus I'm headed for the Land of the Rising EVA in a couple of months. Oh well, at least I'll finally get to see just how much was cut from Evangelion over here in Oz. Mmmmm... Rei...

Maybe I'll get around to writing a serious (possibly lemon) story sometime. Mmmm... Rei and Asuka... Oops, did I just type that? I meant, Rei and Shinji... no, Misato and Shinji... damn, I meant Asuka and Hikari... oh, sod it, I'll go with all of those combinations and throw in Ritsuko for good measure. They are going to be SO exhausted... heh heh...

08, was that you? Help! 08's taken over my author's rant! Oh, fine, don't believe me then. It was a perfectly good excuse, I mean explanation. 


	5. Mmmm... blueness...

(PART FIVE) 

Oh My God, It Has Returned! AIEEE! (by Zenithfleet)

--------

Chapter 14

--------

It was a grim day for the inner cadre of Seele. The thirteen black monoliths hovered in solemn silence. Unspoken thoughts of plans ruined, and plans now never to be born, filled the vast and empty room.

Finally SEELE 05 said accusingly, "It was all 02's fault."

It is worth noting at this point that a rather obscure yet surprisingly accurate definition of a living creature is that one will, when faced with a problem, immediately try to a) fight it, b) run away from it, c) have sex with it or d) all three at once. An INTELLIGENT creature, on the other hand, will of course also do these things, but only after e) finding someone to blame.

It is also worth noting that the empirical evidence provided by the existence of SEELE stretches this definition of an intelligent creature to several lightyears past breaking point.

"How dare you!" 02 screeched furiously. "You lousy long-haired larrikin layabout!"

"I know you are, but what am I?" taunted 05.

02 spluttered as he tried to come up with a more insulting alliteration.

"What are you jabbering about, 05, he just told you what you are," pointed out 07.

"Gentlemen, please," Keel interjected wearily. "No-one is to blame. Events simply did not occur as we had anticipated."

"Oh, no, we really wanted to have the red-headed hellcat do a number on the MISATO program," muttered 06.

"We did?" asked a surprised 07.

"06, please refrain from saying... er... what you said... in the presence of this council," Keel said.

"I mean, I'm sure Asuka wasn't supposed to be able to pilot Numero Uno..." mused 07.

"Eh? What did I say?" demanded 06. "Misato? I know just saying that name does disturbing things to 08, but..." His statement was promptly backed up by 08 himself, who by the sound of it was doing something X-rated with a balloon. Well, something inflatable, anyway.

"...and that business with the lesbian EVAs, I'm pretty sure 08 was only allowed to help with the programming if he promised not to fool around with that 'Sexual Preferences' neural synapse Ritsuko had deactivated, so..."

"No," Keel said awkwardly, "the... other one..."

"Lina Inverse Unpublished Quotes Time! Is That A World-Destroying Demon In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?" 11 said gleefully, managing to derail several trains of thought and send them screaming into the metaphorical gully.

"Huh?" Keel asked as his personal psychic locomotive hurtled into a river and exploded. "Who the Sandalphon is Lina Reverse?"

"Oh... teenage girl, bad taste in clothes, bit of a self-styled magician," 03 explained. "You know, dragons out of hats, badly animated fireballs, can-disappear-things-but-can't-make-them-reappear, that sort of thing."

"...and Ritsuko only had that function left in because Maya was threatening to give her a big hug at the time..."

"07, do you even understand what irony means?" wondered 06, irritated.

"Yeah, but that's my wife's job," 07 replied cheerfully.

"Uh-huh," 06 said gloomily. "Thought so."

"She always puts steam creases in my shirts, anyway."

08 had stopped whatever citrus-fruit activity he was doing, and sounded now as if he had something on his mind. Of course, it wasn't hard to guess what. "So... this Lina girl... is she, by any chance, technically speaking... hot?"

"Well..." 03 seemed a bit embarrassed. "Um..."

"Well what?" 08 demanded impatiently. "Is she, or is she not, a babe? Does she light up your proverbial night?"

03 was uncharacteristically hesitant. "Erm, well, it's kind of delicate... ah..."

"What's wrong? Is she a freak or something? Is she lacking in young feline mammal attributes?" 08 wanted to know.

There was a pause while the others translated this terrible dubbing (and the author waited hopefully to see if anyone else actually got the joke).

Then 13 interjected helpfully, "Look, kiddo, it's like this. For starters, she actually has the indecency to go around fully clothed - "

"What, a fully clothed heroine? You're yanking my entry plug's plug chain," 08 said disbelievingly. "There's no such thing."

13 sighed. "Well, the problem is, see, she's got a small chest."

There was a horror-stricken silence.

"You mean... she's... realistically proportioned?" gasped 05 in shocked disbelief.

"Oh my God," murmured 06, "that's horrible. It's just so, so..." He was lost for words, and settled for "... ick."

"Let us remember her in our prayers," Keel said solemnly. "And now - "

"I vote we raise some money to buy her a new animator," 02 suggested. "This sort of obscenity just cannot be allowed."

"Poor girl must be living in hell," 07 commented sympathetically.

"...and if we can just - THERE'S THAT WORD AGAIN!" Keel thundered. "How many times do I have to tell you not to say the 'H' word!"

"Oh, that word," 06 said as the penny finally dropped (and 09 scrabbled around on the floor for it). "But why can't we say h - ?"

"HECK!" Keel yelled, aghast. "Say 'heck'! If you keep referring to that... that place, who knows what sort of fiendish demons you might summon!"

"But Keel," 06 pointed out reasonably, "all that Judeo-Christian mythology stuff is just for decoration, right? You don't really believe in h - "

"Heck," corrected Keel hurriedly.

"Right, um, heck... and demons and stuff, do you? You don't actually think they're real?"

"Well, no," Keel admitted.

"Marvel At The Stunning Lack Of Colour In Crystania's Opening Scene!" 11 rambled on happily.

"So, what's the problem?" 06 demanded.

"Well... I'm not sure THEY know they're not real," Keel muttered.

"Buggrit, I'll get me two trowels of old boots for this and no mistake, see if I don't," 09 said in satisfaction.

"Boots are nice," 11 commented agreeably. "Want a trombone?"

"So, anyway, what's the new plan?" 03 asked, always a little unsettled when Keel stopped shouting at people.

"The plan. Right." Keel seemed to pull himself together. "Right. The plan is simple."

"Oh, goody," 06 muttered.

"First," Keel continued determinedly, "we will send him to NERV HQ..."

As he explained his nefarious plot, the author suddenly realized that he'd better not give away everything, just on the off-chance someone happened to be actually reading this, and hurriedly cast around for something else to write about. Failing to come up with any particularly inspiring ideas, he reluctantly decided to focus on the soft-walls conversation currently occurring between 11 and 09.

"Mmm, buggrem trombones, gimme lotsandlotsa shrimp," 09 said gruffly.

11 digested this for a moment, then said brightly, "I knew a shrimp once. We went on the rollercoaster together."

"Sezoo? Damn millennial shrimp, buggrem all," 09 retorted.

"Pity he couldn't reach the safety bar," 11 went on, a little sadly. "I TOLD him not to go on the one with the triple loop, but would he listen?"

"Haha, buggrdat, Kaoru'll make mincemeat outa 'em."

The author blinked and then glared accusingly at 09.

"Er, buggrem, buggrit," 09 said hastily. "Sunbered, nutsbebrown, petticoatsup, trousersdown, buggrit."

With a narrow glance at the suspiciously nonchalant monolith, the author, hoping no-one had noticed, jumped back to the slightly more coherent conversation of the others.

"As for the Evangelions themselves, there are now sixty-four under construction," said 03.

"Good, that's - what?" said Keel.

03 managed to look embarrassed. "Well, yes, there were SUPPOSED to be nine, but the episode scriptwriters stuffed up and forgot one, and then the construction plans got stuck in the photocopier..."

"Oh, so THAT'S why you started that 'Help! The Future Of Mankind Needs Your Small Change!' charity fundraiser," commented 06. "Good budgeting, that man."

"Warning," said 11 in a rather robotic feminine voice, "incoming Totoro. Warning, incoming Totoro."

"Very well," said Keel, "meeting adjourned. And someone grab that penny off of 09 and stick it in the fundraising box. We need that sixty-first S2 unit."

"Warning, Totoro corrupted. Warning, Totoro gleek roar arrrgh squish toot," pronounced 11 gravely, and giggled.

"CENSORED", said 03.

---------

Chapter 15

---------

Rei awoke to nothingness. There was no light, no sound. The empty blackness was strangely peaceful. After a time, though, she thought she could hear a distant, discordant chiming. It grew in volume, disturbing the serenity of the darkness, until flickers of red light passed across her vision and she found herself sitting in an old-fashioned railway carriage, bathed in sombre tones of amber light. Rei did not think to question the oddity of her surroundings, it seemed natural that the train would exist and that she would be within it.

Directly opposite her, silhouetted beneath the dying blaze of the setting sun, was a small figure that looked strangely like a childish version of herself - the way she had once been, and yet had never been - a doll-faced reflection of her inner thoughts. It had a face that could only be described as angelic, although not by a person who'd spent any time at all in Tokyo-3 during the last few months. Rei wondered if this was some kind of manifestation of her inner goodness and purity.

"About bloody time you got here," the Chibi-Rei said, pleasantly.

Rei blinked.

"Had to rush, did you?" the sweetly smiling visage asked. "Forgot to get dressed, sort of thing?"

Rei glanced down at herself and realised that she was, indeed, rather deficient in the clothing department. The golden light outlined the contours of her naked body, casting dappled patterns over her long slender legs, her curvaceous hips, her firm...

Er, sorry, got a bit caught up in the artistic beauty of the moment there. And poetic, let's not forget poetic. Yes. Right. On we go then.

Rei looked up at the childish puppet-figure seated across from her and said softly, "What do you want?"

"Speak up," the Chibi-Rei said irritably. "Damn clones, always mumbling and whispering..."

"I said," Rei repeated, with an effort raising her voice to somewhere just below pin-dropping-four-miles-away level, "what do you want?"

The Chibi-Rei looked amused. "What do I want?" it repeated, smirking. "Why, I want what you want, of course. I am you, after all."

Rei considered this statement, wondering if talking to yourself was a sign of mental illness, and then decided that if that were so, every anime character in existence was certifiable for rubber-hammer status. (Actually, she was right. Talking to yourself is not a sign of madness. It's interrupting yourself that worries people. Yes Ellen, I'm looking at YOU miss. But I digress.)

Before she could say anything, the child added, "And you can shut up about all that 'self-that-observes-itself' nonsense. I'm not her. She was boring as hell, actually. I kicked her off the Train of Thought about five neural stations back."

Rei was silent for a while. She noticed that outside the window, another train was slowly moving up alongside hers, although it didn't appear to be connected to any rails or, for that matter, any ground. It looked exactly like the train that conveniently turns up just in time to block the mad old woman's line of fire in 'Wings of Something Unpronounceable Starting with H'. Inside the other carriage, she could just make out the form of Shinji Ikari, who seemed to be arguing with a childish version of himself. The Chibi-Shinji kept holding up big black pieces of cardboard with jagged white lines drawn on them, for some reason. Maybe they were discussing abstract art or something, she thought.

Her diminutive twin turned to see what she was staring at, and sniggered. "Idiot. Watch this." It opened the window and yelled, "Hey, Ikari! Check out this luscious bit of skin here!"

Shinji glanced out the window and into Rei's carriage, and his face went crimson. Rei felt faint colour rise in her own cheeks as the boy stared at her.

It was a safe bet that Shinji was also feeling something rise, but let's not go into that right now.

The Chibi-Rei grinned at her. "Sicko," it said, conversationally. "What kind of guy suffers a chronic case of thermal expansion at the sight of a clone of his MUM?"

Trying to ignore Shinji, Rei returned her attention to the little figure before her and asked quietly, "Then... what are you? My conscience?..."

The Chibi-Rei giggled charmingly. "That pious bitch? See for yourself." It pointed innocently down the aisle, to where a teenage-Rei, wearing a black nun's habit, was sprawled awkwardly on the carpeted floor with a large cross-shaped indentation on her forehead.

"Clobbered her with her own crucifix," the Chibi-Rei explained, happily.

Inside the other train, the Chibi-Shinji was waving a piece of card frantically in front of the mesmerized older boy's face, to no avail.

Rei frowned at the cheerfully smiling girl-child, and stood up. More light fell revealingly across her, and the motion caused parts of her anatomy to move in a highly interesting fashion. In the other carriage, Shinji fell off his chair.

She started to move towards the supine Rei, but her childish twin said dismissively, "Don't bother. She ain't gonna be waking up."

With a hard look at the Chibi-Rei, she sat back down. "What are you?" she asked again.

The Chibi-Rei shrugged. "I'm the best part of you," it said, brightly. "The most important bit. The part that makes you have to change the sheets."

Rei thought about this. "You're my bladder?"

"No!" the doll-child snapped. "Jeez, maybe it wasn't a good idea to shove Smart Rei into the coal boiler after all... I'm your libido, of course."

"My... libido?" repeated Rei, now intrigued despite herself.

"Well, aren't we quick on the uptake today?" the Chibi-Rei sneered. "Why do you think you're suspiciously short on clothes at the moment? But you never wanted to pay me any attention before, did you? Oh no, too distant and alone for that, aren't you. Never even took a peek at Asuka in the shower stall. Misato could have kept her beer chilled if she left it on your lap. It's a wonder the inside of the entry plug didn't ice over." It paused in its ranting for a second, then continued, "But I've fixed things now, oh yes. You lot were all so busy contemplating the basic purposelessness of flowers and how red isn't your favourite colour, you never noticed that I was taking over."

Rei said, "Taking over? You mean..." Her gaze slid to the comatose Conscience Rei. Then her brow furrowed as she replayed the Chibi-Rei's words to herself. Finally, she said slowly, "...Asuka?"

"Oh, great, you really have no idea, do you?" the little girl who was apparently her sex drive muttered. It looked up at her and said irritably, "Let me spell it out for you: You. Bat. For. The. Other. Team. Get it?"

Rei shook her head no.

The Chibi-Rei's glower would have made the Fourteenth Angel mess its pants, if it had had any. "What'll it take to get through to you? You're warm for the female form. You're a dedicated member of the Garden Hose Appreciation Society." When Rei still looked blank, it rolled its eyes and said, "Need a hint? It starts with 'L' and ends with 'wow, that was fantastic'. Wakaru?"

"No," Rei said.

The Chibi-Rei groaned and said, "Fine. You're a dyke. Okay? And I'm not talking about rivers here."

Rei said, "Oh." She pondered her libido's words for a while. "But... but I want to become one with Ikari..."

"No you don't," snapped the Chibi-Rei. "That was just Maternal Rei confusing you. Until I choked her to death with her own Tickle Me Gendo. The fact is, my dear naïve self, that's how you are and that's how you're gonna stay. So deal with it."

Rei abruptly remembered the events of the last few hours. She hadn't been quite herself, and she knew it had something to do with the way Captain Katsuragi always acted whenever she'd been drinking a lot, i.e., all the time. But she also recalled feeling and doing things she would never have done normally. Apart from the fact that 'things she would never normally do' basically encompassed the entire range of human activity with the possible exception of breathing, Rei did remember feeling a strange sort of attraction towards Asuka...

"You've got the hots for her," the Chibi-Rei said, gleefully. "And it's my job to make sure you realize that."

In the other carriage, Shinji dragged himself back onto his chair. Ignoring the Chibi-Shinji, who was busily smacking him over the head with a rolled-up piece of cardboard, he glanced out the window at Rei again. His eyes shot out of their sockets as he beheld what had been tasty fan-service and was now pure hentai. Then he swayed and fainted again.

Rei closed her legs hastily.

---------

Chapter 16

---------

The faint hiss of the air conditioners greeted Rei as she slowly emerged from the depths of slumber. She found herself lying on something soft, and staring up at what was quite possibly the most boring ceiling in all of Japan.

Her head throbbed painfully. She wondered if this was the phenomenon known as a 'hangover', and if so, what she should do about it. Perhaps she should ask Major Katsuragi. Or perhaps not, she reflected, since although Misato could have written an extremely large and thorough thesis on the subject, her usual solution to a hangover was to drink a lot. Somehow Rei felt that there was a flaw in this method.

She rolled her head to the side, and realised that she was lying on a hospital bed, her body covered only by a thin linen sheet that was unfortunately not quite thin enough for any descriptions of a limey nature, so there. Across from her was the familiar, sleeping form of Shinji Ikari, who appeared to have some sort of complicated medical machine strapped to his hips. It seemed to be administering some sort of coolant. Presumably it was helping to cure his debilitating case of thermal, er, constriction.

Wincing slightly, she sat up. The bedsheet fell away from her upper body, and it was fortunate that Shinji was unconscious or he might have had a relapse. Distant puzzlement was evident in Reis red eyes. The headache was already fading, but she felt a bit... strange...

Something caught her eye, and she turned to see her reflection in a large mirror. It was built into the wall of the ward for absolutely no good reason other than to give patients fatal heart attacks when they saw how disfigured they were, thus saving the nurses the trouble of having to look after them any more. Considering the usual mortality and injury rate of citizens living in Tokyo-3, this technique was quite possibly the only thing keeping hospital beds available.

Rei, however, was in no way disfigured. In fact she was extensively figured. And, for the first time, she noticed this. Neurons deep in her brain that had hitherto been slacking off were yelled at and shoved into alert attention. For the first time, Rei realised that she was pretty. Quite pretty, in fact. Damn gorgeous, actually. And she was feeling something else. Other neurons were wiring connections to parts of her body that had better hope they were already alert because they were about to get a tough workout - although not for a couple of paragraphs yet, so calm down, people. Slowly, she slid the sheet off the bed completely.

Somewhere in the quiet, serene control cockpit of her mind, the Chibi-Rei grinned wickedly and pushed the big lever marked 'LIBIDO' as far as it would go.

In the bed nearby, Shinji opened his eyes.

Rei saw him awaken in the mirror but she ignored him, too preoccupied with these strange, wonderful new thoughts and feelings flowing through her. Her gaze slipped from her reflection to the table beside her bed, where lay a neatly arranged collection of medical implements, most of them having handles which were long and slender, and a few with potentially buzzing bits.

Her eyes wandered back to the mirror. The image of Rei reclining on the bed would have made Michelangelo bite through his paintbrush.

She looked at the table again. The words 'long' and 'slender' suddenly seemed to be much more important and interesting words than they normally were. The concept of buzzing bits struck her as enormously significant.

Shinji glanced across, saw her, and in the absence of a paintbrush, involuntarily substituted his tongue.

Ignoring the muffled screams behind her, Rei paused thoughtfully, wondering why her mental processes seemed to be taking place about a metre further down her body than usual.

The machine attached to Shinji's nether regions began to beep ominously.

Rei shrugged and reached over to the table.

What followed was a beautiful, evocative, spiritually uplifting and exceedingly graphic piece of descriptive writing which Magi Melchior had the nerve to edit out, the bastard.

About two hours later, Rei finally collapsed, exhausted, on the bed. Dazedly, through the warm afterglow, she wondered if there was a towel somewhere nearby, although a mop might have been more useful. An ice pack or twelve wouldn't have gone astray, either. She was aching in places she hadn't known existed, but had been quite pleased to discover (and rediscover several times, with considerable enthusiasm).

It was around this time that the nurses, having finally heard the emergency sirens, rushed in, fought their way through the clouds of superheated steam surrounding Shinji's bed, and just barely managed to shut off the coolant machine before it did something violent and probably permanent to the boy's manhood. Shinji himself had passed out a short while earlier with a nosebleed so severe he could have made an instant fortune had any blood bank representatives been there to witness it.

Rei, unnoticed, stood up and padded softly out of the room, looking for the showers.

Inside her brain, the Chibi-Rei jumped up and down, yelling exultantly "I am the greatest!"

By the shores of what had once been a high-tech cityscape, and was now a big hole in the ground with water in it, one of the few surviving entrances to the Geo-Front stood squat and uncompromising in the afternoon sunlight.

A figure approached it, picking its way amongst the scattered debris on the edge of the lake. It moved with a casual dignity and purpose through the overhanging canyons of broken skyscrapers, and around it the threads of fate seemed to gather like an ominous cloak.

Calmly, unassumingly, the figure made its way up to the forbidding steel gates barring the path into the deep underground. The sun's slanting rays revealed a shock of white hair, a noble face lifting searching eyes to the imposing portal before it.

A hand raised, knocked once, twice.

For a long moment, there was silence. Then a tiny shutter snapped open at around eye level and an annoyed voice shouted, "Go away! We don't want any!"

The shutter slammed closed.

The figure regarded the steel wall with puzzlement. Finally it raised its hand again and knocked more insistently.

The shutter slid open again. "I said, we don't - "

"I am the Fifth Child," said the figure, and waited expectantly.

There was an exasperated sigh. "No, you're the thirty-second, not counting yesterday," the voice retorted irritably. "Geez, don't you kids have anything better to do than fool around up here?"

The stranger was at a loss. "I don't think you understand," he said at last. "I am - "

"Unless you're a security inspector or a hentai salesman, I don't give a flying F-equipment who you are," interrupted the voice. It added, cautiously, "You're not a security inspector, are you?"

"No," Kaoru said. "I am - "

"Oh, good," the voice said, sounding relieved. Then its tone became shifty, confidential. "You're not a hentai salesman, by any chance?"

"No," Kaoru repeated. He frowned thoughtfully. "Although I do have one or two American superhero comic books - "

The shutter slammed shut, and by the sound of it was being hastily boarded up from the other side.

Kaoru leaned closer. "How about this copy of Spiderman - ?"

A welding torch hissed into life beyond the barrier.

Kaoru looked at the wall for a while, and then reluctantly began to walk away. There didn't seem to be anything else to do.

---------

Chapter 17

---------

"But the situation has been resolved?" the monitor image of Gendo Ikari said impassively.

Misato nodded. "Yes sir, everything's fine now. We've got Unit 02 back in the EVA cages and we're checking it for remaining traces of the computer virus as we speak."

"Any major casualties?"

"Well, about half of headquarters was wrecked," Misato began, "around fifty NERV personnel were killed or injured, we're still scraping the technicians off the wall up here - " her words were punctuated by a thud as a man was pried free of the glass shards by two maintenance workers with big pliers and hit the floor - "and we lost the beer vending machine - " her voice trembled slightly, then she recovered - "but apart from that..."

"Ah. Business as usual. Good." Ikari pushed his glasses higher up on the bridge of his nose. "However, we can assume that further attacks will be made. Remain on standby alert, and have the pilots prepared for immediate action."

"Do you have any idea where that virus came from, sir?" asked Misato.

"I have certain suspicions," said Ikari darkly. "Very well. I will be returning to headquarters within the hour."

"Yes sir. Thank you, sir," added Misato, more out of habit than anything else. She frowned uncomfortably and bit her lip, obviously trying to work out whether to risk saying something further, then finally began, "Um... sir?"

Ikari paused in the act of reaching over to switch off the video transmission and said, "Yes, Major?"

Misato swayed as if something was fighting to burst out of her, then in a rush she asked, desperately, "Why are you wearing a bra and panties, sir?"

Ikari regarded her silently for a moment. "Business concerns," he said at last. "You know better than to ask questions, Major."

"Oh, is that all?" Misato felt vastly relieved. "One of those improbably complex and twisted conspiracies skulking like malevolent demons in the bowels of NERV, is it, then? Part of a sacrilegious scheme to warp humanity's destiny? Something the minds of maverick women, with a tendency to die extremely slowly and tragically with many lingering last words directed at young depressed boys, are not meant to understand?"

"Indeed." Ikari nodded.

"Ah."

There was no sound for a while.

"Really?" Misato said eventually.

"Yes, Major."

She smiled self-deprecatingly. "Er. I just wondered, you see."

More silence.

"Seeing as how there's a Property of the First Child NERV barcode label on the left D-cup."

Ikari made no comment.

"And the panties have Soryu's - Ogle These And Die! scrawled on the front."

"Dismissed, Major," said the commander.

"Yessir."

The screen went blank.

Misato gazed at the empty dark panel for some time. Behind her, the last technician was forcibly extracted from where he had temporarily and violently made friends with the wall, and hit the floor with a very final thud of the sort people make when they're quite soon going to make friends with a body bag.

"Good thing I didn't ask him about the whip, the milk bottle and the Pen Pen mask, then," Misato murmured finally.

There was a quiet hiss as the door opened, or at least there would have been a quiet hiss if the pneumatic mechanisms had not recently have been reduced to the consistency of LCL. Instead there was a sound like someone playing "Hallelujah" backwards with a fistful of knives on a blackboard, and the door juddered to a halt about two-thirds of the way open. Misato turned automatically, expecting to see Ritsuko returning from the EVA cages.

(In fact Ritsuko had been waylaid by a certain youthful devoted female technician, frisked expertly and removed of yet another piece of lacy black underwear. Ritsuko had responded by elbowing the aforementioned technician in the kidneys, clobbering her over the head with a ridiculously large mallet left over from her Ranma 1/2 days, blindfolding her, locking her in a filing cabinet and swallowing the keycard. Unfortunately she had forgotten to get her bra back first, with the result that she was currently being chased around Terminal Dogma by three Section Two off-duty guards carrying buckets of water. Just thought you'd like to know.)

A figure stood in the doorway, but by its height, silence and air of subtle blankness, Misato judged it not to be Ritsuko after all. The blue hair was a bit of a giveaway, too.

"Rei, what are you doing up already?" she asked, concerned. "You're not supposed to be - "

She stopped, her brain arguing loudly against what her eyes were insisting they were seeing. No, you're drunk again, she thought, calmly and reasonably. Or stressed. Or unconscious. Rei is NOT wearing -

- a string bikini top, a bare midriff, a skirt apparently woven out of very short grass strands, knee-high thighboots of the type normally only available to nymphomaniac elves of a particularly specialized genre of... er... low fantasy, a pair of small sparkling diamond earrings and several bottles of First and Best Impact perfume. This was rather added to by the way Rei was standing, which would have qualified as serious sexual harassment in a strip club and incidentally somehow made everything she was wearing look as if it was about to fall off, even the earrings. The overall effect was enough to quietly give the wounded technicians in the control room instant cardiac arrests and make Demi Moore give up and hand in her tassels.

"Bloody hell," said Misato, when her vocal chords had been reconnected to her brain. She decided that this didn't quite express the full complexity of her inner emotions eloquently enough, and after a moment amended her words to "Bloody, bloody hell."

"I am quite fully recovered, Major Katsuragi," said Rei. She walked forwards, although a more appropriate term might be 'slinking'. No-one moving their hips like that could be described as merely walking. If she tried slinking any harder, she would probably dislocate something.

For a brief instant Misato regretted having grown out of her experimenting phase. Then she clamped firmly down on the thought, slammed it in a basement at the bottom of her mind and dropped an N2 mine on it. It wasn't easy, though. The perfume was beginning to make her eyes water.

"You... why are you dressed like that, Rei?" she heard herself say, admirably managing to keep her voice level. On top of everything else she was beginning to feel distinctly off-balance, as if someone had wedged a car jack underneath NERV headquarters and was gradually hoisting it off the ground. It was wrong. Rei did not wear sexy clothes. Rei wearing sexy clothes was like snow on the sun, with the same uneasy feeling that it might flash into flame at any moment.

"Is this a problem, ma'am?" Rei asked with the faintest hint of a frown. She cast a brief glance down at herself. "No-one complained when I took these from the props room. Do you wish me to change them?" Her hands were already reaching to untie the front of the bikini top.

"No! I mean, no, those are fine, Rei, just fine," Misato said hurriedly. She wiped her forehead and wondered why she was freaking out so badly. It wasn't as if she hadn't seen Rei's personal anatomy before. It was a bit hard to avoid, what with all those harmonics scans, heat-pattern analyses, and the girls' locker room camera feeds she kept having to delete from Hyuuga's console. And then there had been the dummy plug room. She'd seen enough of Rei there to last her several lifetimes. There had been something very disturbing about the commanders keeping a bunch of identical fourteen-year-old clones who just happened to be stunning sex goddesses around as spare parts for an autopilot system that did nothing more than yell "HE JUST CALLED YOUR MOTHER A RUSTY CLOCKWORK DECEPTICON!" at the EVA it happened to be inserted in at the time, and in any case had only worked once. Quite apart from Kaji's final message to her, which had included several highly suspicious sentences such as "and get a photo of the orange room, okay? The orange room," which cast certain doubts on his real motives for trying to break into Terminal Dogma.

"Um. I'm, um, glad to see you've recovered quite fine, Rei AND STOP THAT DAMN MUSIC!"

Hyuuga looked hurt, but put down the saxophone anyway.

In the Chamber of SEELE, 03 sighed audibly and commented, "Never send an Angel to do a human's job..."

"He told them about the comic books," said 05, shaking his metaphorical head. "He told them about the comic books, didn't he? I warned him not to tell anyone about the comic books and what does he do? He tells them about the - "

"Yes yes, point taken," said Keel. "It seems we will be unable to infiltrate NERV after all. We may have to - "

"Tilt the mayonnaise to three past sunset, Mr Nemo, and damn the purple things!" said 11, helpfully.

"Would that work?" asked 07, startled.

"Good grief, I think he's progressed to Nadia now," commented 06.

"Myaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" shrieked 11, gleefully.

"No, my mistake," said 06 glumly. "Looks like he's hit the Juraian Boundary again."

Keel resignedly continued, "We may have to take their headquarters by force."

"Juraian Boundary? What's that, then?" asked 02.

"Oh, it's a technical medical progressive state common to the commoner," explained 06. "Symptoms include attraction to trees, a strange desire for aquamarine hair dye and a tendency to break out in chronic lightsabers."

"I have that all the time," said 08 cheerfully. "The bit about the hair, anyway. Or rather, who it's attached to. Mmm, sparks."

"08?" said 03, kindly.

"Shutting up," said 08 promptly.

"Whoa, Keel, slow down," 05 said nervously. "We can't do that until hell freezes over or Manga releases the movies, whichever comes first, remember?"

"I am changing the script," said Keel, and suddenly his voice was as steely as a steak knife commercial.

There was awed silence. Somewhere behind Keel's monolith a faintly audible voice murmured in quivery delight, "Why, Keelee dear, you haven't spoken like that since... ooh, I've gone all tingly..."

Keel said coldly, "What is the status of the EVA series?"

"Buggered," grunted 09, on the basis that no-one ever hurts the adorably gruff bloke.

"Actually, they're... they're finished," said 03.

"What, all of them?" asked 07, disbelievingly.

"Good," said Keel. "Then we shall - "

"What, ALL of them?"

03 contrived to look embarrassed. "Well, we... we had to cut a few corners..." If the monolith had had feet, it would have shuffled them.

"Irrelevant," said Keel, managing to sound quite scarily like Commander Ikari. "Then this is what we shall do..."

He explained.

Afterwards, the general mood was one of agreement.

"Good idea."

"Worth a try."

"Yeah."

"Buggrem."

"Was that a yes?"

"Moooooooooooo!"

"Probably."

---------

(END OF PART FIVE)

Author's rant: More to come (apart from Rei that is, she's quite tired). Watch this space. No, watch it. I said watch it. Don't take your eyes off it. No DON'T - take your eyes off it. I said DON'T. I'm warning you mate. All right you can go now but you'll be back. Uh-huh. You'll see. Yep. Probably. One day. Oh, go away.

And don't dare say anything about that bit with Rei and the slender stuff, you know you loved it.


	6. Ye gods! An update!

After a five-year hiatus, the long-lost and slightly short (because unfinished) Part Six of SEELE: Privy of Souls has surfaced on a hitherto forgotten floppy disk. I've resisted the urge to tamper with it, to preserve ye olde worlde flavour (i.e. my writing ability as of half a decade ago).I won't say 'enjoy!', 'cos that's so bloody American, mate. No worries. Stone the flamin' crows.

(PART SIX)

THE END OF EVANGELISTS

(by Zenithfleet)

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Chapter 18

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The walls shook as the rumblings of a huge distant explosion reverberated through NERV HQ.

"What the hell was that?" yelled Misato.

"Hmm, hard to say, I'm not sure, but it sounded like a huge distant explosion," Hyuuga mused.

"Control room," said Misato. "Now. And stop misquoting badly dubbed Captain Harlock episodes."

"External cameras online," announced a technician, as Misato, Rei and Hyuuga ran (and in Rei's case, bounced) into the Magi command deck. The screen flashed into life, revealing a serene and peaceful vista across the topside lake. The view was slightly marred, or perhaps improved depending on your point of view, by a ragged column of fiery smoke arising from amongst the buildings on the far shore.

"Is it an Angel?" demanded Misato breathlessly.

There was a long pause, which ended when Rei's chest settled down and the technicians were able to reconnect their brains. Then, "We don't know ma'am, we're trying to get a blood pattern reading now."

Across the lake, a blast of vivid and surprisingly pink fire sent a penthouse apartment back into terminal poverty.

"I want EVAs 01 and 02 online and ready for launch in one minute!" Misato ordered.

"But we're not finished the virus cleanup yet, ma'am!" someone protested.

"Of course we're not, we need an extra element of unstability in the plot, don't you watch any anime at all?" Misato glanced around urgently. "Where's Ritsuko? And Maya?"

"Here and in here, in that order," said a voice. The door slid open to reveal a bedraggled Dr Akagi, dragging a large metal filing cabinet. "Asuka's already at the EVA cage," she said. "Rei, you'd better get down there now."

"Yes ma'am," said Rei demurely, swaying her way out of the control room and managing to only hit her hips once on the doorframe.

"Can I get out yet?" asked a muffled voice from inside the filing cabinet.

"Quiet you," said Ritsuko.

"Is it safe for Rei to pilot again?" Misato asked, concernedly.

"I hope n – I mean, yes, sure, of course," Ritsuko corrected herself hurriedly.

"Ma'am," said the filing cabinet, worriedly, "which EVA will Miss Soryu be piloting?"

Ritsuko shrugged. "Unit 01 should work fine. We don't want to risk cross-contamination from any traces of the virus in Rei's nerve links."

"Can we activate it?" Misato asked dubiously. "Without whatshisname – "

"Shigeru," said Hyuuga wearily.

"Right, right, and… whatever his job was?"

"I've done a bit of study on his methods," Hyuuga said tentatively. "It might not work but I'll give it a try."

"Ma'am?" said the filing cabinet again. It rocked a little, managing to shuffle nearer to Ritsuko, and lowered its voice. "Remember when we were doing those tests for the dummy system and we decided Asuka wouldn't even be compatible with Unit 01?"

"Mmm?" said Ritsuko out of the corner of her mouth.

"How come she's able to pilot it now?"

Ritsuko rubbed her lips thoughtfully. "Well, either the EVA has altered its genetic matching patterns and soul-jar carrier capacity since it attained awareness, displaying a level of independent sentience beyond our initial scenario assumptions… or the author threw continuity out the window several chapters back in favour of a dodgy plot development with fan-service on the house."

"Oh," said the cabinet. "Um. Can I – "

"Quiet you."

Ritsuko assumed an air of control. "I want that blood pattern analysis fed through the Magi as soon as possible," she ordered. "And see if we can get a transmission through to Commander Ikari's jet."

There was an even longer pause from the technicians than before. Ritsuko glanced down at herself. "And get me a towel," she added.

Kaoru was bored.

Currently he was sitting on a park bench, flipping through a mildly trashy yaoi manga he'd picked up in the store across the road. Odd, but no-one had asked him to pay for it. In fact, they'd seemed totally engrossed in hiding beneath the shop counter. It had taken him a few minutes after leaving the store, when he saw a squad of Tokyo-3 Nuclear Waste Containment Division ("If You Can Read By Its Light, It's Not Safe") members running at him wearing orange suits and waving large radiation stickers, to realise he'd accidentally left his glow switched on all afternoon again. It had been amusing to watch them smack headlong into his AT field, though. It was when they'd tried to paste the radiation stickers to it that he'd gotten fed up and, cough, sent them to the Next Dimension, cough.

Occasionally he glanced up from his reading to idly point a finger in the general direction of a building, then listen for the resulting explosion and screams.

They were late. What the FLCL were those Lilim brats doing, anyway? He was going to run out of skyscrapers soon, and then he'd have to start on the ramen restaurants, and he DIDN'T want to have to start on the ramen restaurants. It was hard enough to find a decent meal these days, and Noodle Flambé with Your Choice of Cindered Chef wasn't on his menu at the moment.

After a while, though, he became aware of a strange humming sound, coming from deep beneath the ground. Frowning, he pocketed the manga with faint disappointment (he'd just gotten up to the bit where they'd unpacked the garden hose and the Pen Pen masks) and stood up. The sound seemed to be emanating from the street.

Kaoru stood on the bitumen where it joined a large metal plate set into the road, and looked down thoughtfully.

"All nerve paths secured," reported a technician.

"Move Unit 01 to the launch pad," said another.

"That's my line," muttered the filing cabinet, and then yelped as Ritsuko kicked it.

"Are we ready?" asked Misato urgently.

"Well, I… I think so," Hyuuga replied, a little nervously.

"Then hurry up!"

"Yes ma'am. Er…" Hyuuga fumbled in his pocket and extricated a small notepad, which he peered at. Then he took his glasses off, cleaned them hastily on his lapel, put them back on and peered at the notepad again. Then he cleared his throat theatrically, leaned over to the microphone on the desk, clicked the 'on' switch, took a deep breath and said in a deep, clear voice:

"Wop."

The word echoed ominously around the control room.

There was a sound like five thousand people saying what Hyuuga had just said right back at him, and a huge gleaming white spaceship materialized from out of nowhere and apparently stuck halfway through Unit 01's head.

There was silence, except for the dripping of the sweatdrops.

"Um. Oops?" said Hyuuga.

An unfeasibly long ramp unfolded from beneath the spaceship and a dozen white robots clad in oversized cricket gear marched down to the floor.

"Pardon me for asking, but what the hell is going on?" asked Misato, to the world in general.

"Oh," said Hyuuga suddenly, holding the notepad close to his face. "Damn these glasses… I want the 'Kick It Into Waking' section, not the 'Krikkit Interstate'… Sorry. Sorry." He feverishly flipped through the pages. "I know it's here somewhere…"

The robots took up positions around the available space on the launch pad, holding out long flat wooden devices in a threatening manner. One of them started to hit the motionless Unit 01 on the ankle.

"Just how much sugar did I have on my cereal this morning?" asked Misato vaguely, a frozen grin on her face.

"Not enough," muttered Ritsuko.

"Ah," said Hyuuga with relief. "Right. Here we are. Okay, hang on…"

He leaned over again, even more carefully this time, and said: "RIGHT YOU LAZYCHROMOSONES! SHAVE THAT MUG AND IN WITH PLUG! IT'S ANOTHER GLORIOUS DAY IN THE U.N. ARMY! GETUPGETUPGETUUUUUP!"

Unit 01's eyes flared white. Then it yawned, stretched and surreptitiously adjusted itself.

"Well done, that man," Misato said, still smiling in that A-Few-Synapses-Short-of-a-Synch-Ratio way.

"All systems are go," said a technician.

Ritsuko nodded. "Asuka!" she said. "You're the first line of defence. Rei will back you up in Unit 02 if you get into trouble."

The com channel fizzled to life. "Yeah, yeah, sure," Asuka said impatiently. "Can we go already? These little white robot things are kinda annoyi – OW! Gerroff!"

Unit 01 slapped at one of the robots which had climbed up onto its pelvis and was experimentally whacking various bits with its cricket bat.

"Dammit, even the homages are perverted in this fanfic," Asuka growled. The robot scored another hit and she yelped. "Where do you think you're poking that thing, you overdressed toaster oven?"

"EVA launch!" Ritsuko ordered.

"Can't we watch just a few seconds longer – " one of the technicians protested.

"No! Open the topside hatch and roll the stock footage!" Dr Akagi instructed.

"Fine then," someone muttered.

Kaoru walked over to stand in the centre of the metal plate, tapping it with the toes of his sneakers. It seemed quite solid. Maybe if he –

A sudden blast of music made him wince. As several ridiculously jovial trumpets blared out to the tune of "BAHM bamba BAM bamba BAM baddada bam," the metal beneath his feet calmly slid out from under him and retracted into the sides of what appeared to be a bottomless shaft.

Kaoru stood on the air and looked down expectantly.

Something seemed to be rushing up the shaft towards him, growing larger and nearer by the second. It looked like a purple robot with something white stuck to its head –

The EVA reached street level with a flash and a massive "PERSHWHIIING…" noise as Kaoru's horizontally spread AT field did to its skull armour what small irritating yellow birds often do to lisping cats' scalps by means of a frying pan. A dozen small explosions flowered under the orange octagons of phase distortion as the Krikkit robots went to the great test match in the sky. After a pause long enough for the comedic gag value of the scene to be exhausted, Unit 01 was grabbed hold of by gravity, which demanded to know what the hell it thought it was doing and why didn't anyone respect Newton anymore, I don't know, talk to people about falling apples these days and all you get is a three-pass frozen frame of animation showing the fall from three different angles with an unnecessarily epilepsy-inducing background, talk about rude…

With the beginnings of a descending whistle, Unit 01 departed at great speed back down the shaft.

Kaoru waited.

Eventually there was a thud, followed by an audible stream of German curses.

The Seventeenth Angel sighed. A second later he irritably flicked a hand in the direction of the CD storefront across the road, which immediately blew out all its glass panes.

The trumpet music stopped.

--------

(NOT QUITE THE END OF PART SIX)

--------

Author's rant: Yes, yes, I know… only one chapter? Well, I always did intend to write more. No, really. I had it planned and everything. Remember those sixty-four budget-priced Seele EVAs? Yes, I had the groundwork all laid down, folks. Ah well. Time moves on. There's still just a skerrick (lit: tiny speck) of a chance there'll be more in the future. Yep. About a three percent chance, I reckon. Still... as Ritsuko would say, "that's not a zero or a minus"...


End file.
